Changed For The Better

I am not okay

I waited ages for the bus and was growing more and more anxious that somebody had already realised I was gone and was out looking for me. Of course I left my phone behind, so I'm never going to know where they are or what they know.

But, nobody found me and I got onto the bus just fine. The problem is I don't know what this town looks like or where exactly I decided to go, so I don't know when to press the bell. But then again, I can press it whenever I want. I'm free now.

I know I won't be free for long and I will have to go back since what I'm doing is technically illegal and a threat to the dumping ground and all that, but at the same time, I don't want to go back.

You know I'm not missing it. I mean I haven't been gone for long, but I feel no regret or doubt or anything. And a part of me feels as though I should. A part of me knows that this is wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but that part is silenced by the part that just doesn't want to be here.

I want to be somewhere, somebody else, just for a while. I want to roam the streets pretending to be free and make believing that I have control over my life. Of course, I don't, but I can pretend while I'm alone , right?

Alone is what's best for me. I've established that now. Whenever I'm around other people we end up fighting, tensions rise then I exclude myself and try to be away from it anyway. Might as well skip the difficult part and just get right to isolating myself.

The only person I want to be around is Ryan. And that won't happen will it? Not unless I find out where he is and somehow get to him. And I know that isn't going to happen it's so unlikely it's not even worth dreaming about.

The bus finally rolled up and I was the only person getting on. I paid for my ticket then sat near the back but not right at the back because I get travel sick. Anyways, I don't know how long the journey is, or what the place I'm getting off at, looks like.

But again, it doesn't matter. I have no aim apart from being as far away from the dumping ground as possible. I wonder if they've noticed that I'm gone yet. Probably not. They'll be too busy with something or someone else. They probably assume I'm sitting in my room or just out in town or on a walk or something. I'll have time to get further away before they actually start to notice.

The only problem I have is that it's raining. I did not bring anything waterproof with me so I'll have to find somewhere with shelter. The only problem with that is it means I'll have to be still, which gives Luke or Mai Lee chance to catch up and find me.

I guess I'll have to brace the rain. Besides, what's the worst that can happen? I'm not made of sugar. I'll just, get totally soaked and increase my risks of catching pneumonia. It's fine.

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Not fine. NOT FINE. TOTALLY NOT FINE! I walked shivering through the streets as daylight began to fade. I stayed on the bus as long as I could before the driver told me I had to get off.

It was completely pouring it down with rain. And since I'm in England, it's also freezing. Good job I at least wore a hoodie. Bad thing it's now so wet it's becoming heavy and it's tiring me out. But if I take it off I'll freeze to death. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

No! No second thoughts. This is what we are doing. I'm gonna stay out of the way of the dumping ground for as long as I can. A day, a week a month? I don't care. I need time away. And if I never go back that will be fine too. I'll just start begging for money. Luckily I have my savings with me so I should be ok and not have to beg for a while.

I carried on walking, despite wanting to fall to the floor and curl up in a ball. This sucks. Being at the dumping ground sucks. Ryan leaving sucks. Having no family sucks. Life sucks.

I. Suck.

I decided I have to find somewhere to stay for tonight. I'm going to keep moving tomorrow so I gain a bit more distance between me and the dumping ground. That's what I need. Distance.

The thing is, now, it's beyond my control. I wouldn't know how to get back to the dumping ground even if I tried. Mind you, that could be a bad thing. What if something happens and I have to go back, but I can't because I don't know the way?

No more what ifs. They're a killer. They make you overthink. Like an addiction. You think of one and then suddenly they're all there and they're all in your head and you're thinking the worst things instead of focusing on the good and that always leads to bad decisions.

Last time, I stayed under a bridge. Maybe I can find another bridge? That would be good. Shelter. And maybe other homeless people who have fires and that for warmth.

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I couldn't find a bridge. And now it's really raining. And my feet hurt. And I'm soaked and tired and freezing, and I just want to go home. But I don't really know where home is any more. I don't have one. I don't belong anywhere.

It's dark now. The streets and alleys have become dark corners for predators and prey and creatures of the night. Basically, not for me. I would usually be asleep by now. Why did I do this to myself?

I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be at the dumping ground either. But what alternative do I have? I can't just choose somewhere to live. I can't just join someone else and live with them for a while.

Or can I? That's basically fostering right? And, the reason I didn't want to was because I might not get to visit Ryan or talk to him, but what difference does it make now? I haven't got my phone. I can't contact him anyway.

But it doesn't matter. Because I can't get back to the dumping ground and make it a possibility. And it would require going back to the dumping ground, which I don't want to do. Not under any circumstances.

I gave up and sat down on a step that was outside the door to a building that looked like it was abandoned or closed down. The window was blacked out and had some old, peeling posters on it. I tried knocking and banging on the door, but there was nothing.

I curled up on the step which was slightly sheltered by the top of the doorway. I just started crying. Like it matters anyway. Nobody is here and it's raining so you probably can't tell anyway.

"Are you alright?" I heard a voice say.

I looked up to see a stranger, a boy, not much older than me staring down at me.

"No" I replied simply, through tears.

"Come with me" he said, extending his hand toward me.