Changed For The Better

Under the covers

Marie's POV

After school, I told Ryan that Mike was taking me out and went straight home, quickly. I don't know why but I have done that every single day this week. I have the strong urge to get home just so I can sit around and be bored. Like seriously, nothing is going on.

I feel bad for lying to Ryan about it. But I don't know why I don't want to visit or talk to anybody. I don't even understand it myself so how could I possible ever explain it to someone else? It would only make him worry, and I am a big enough burden already. I won't make it even worse.

I headed straight home through the rain without a coat and threw my stuff onto the floor before going up to my room without stopping to say hello to Agatha and walking straight past the plate of neatly sliced fruit on the counter. I don't need to talk to Agatha. She knows I am here and she knows she will get the chance to speak to me over dinner.

I went to my room and put some pyjamas on before climbing into bed and bringing the covers over my head. It feels like the rest of the world isn't there, and that is one of the best ever feelings in the world.

I lay there and just had a think. Life feels like nothing at the moment. It's bleak and nothing is going on at all. Like I know I have just moved away recently, and that was exciting, for a while.

But now that I have had chance to adjust and the excitement is over, I just kind of feel guilty. My life isn't much better than it was before. I mean yes I don;t have to see Jody and Chloe and the others all the time, just at school where I can avoid them.

But I'm just as miserable now, if not more, because I never really considered how lonely this would be. I forgot that I would be living with just adults. And those adults weren't there to look after me alone like Luke and Mai Lee were.

They have to balance looking after me as well as their own jobs and well being and looking after each other. They have a lot on their plates. The only thing they don't have which Luke and Mai Lee have, is a load of other kids to look after as well.

I guess now that I have moved, my life is lacking direction. You know I still haven't chosen what I want to do after exams. I still haven't started working on my exams. I'm just floating through life and going wherever the wind takes me, which I know is a terrible idea.

I wonder if Ryan has made plans? And if he has, do they include me? Do my plans include him? Don't get me wrong, I want him to stay in my life for forever, but what if we end up going our separate ways and never really speaking any more?

I suppose, in a way, that's what's happening now. And on top of that, it is all my fault. I keep lying to Ryan and telling him I have to be somewhere or I'm busy when I'm not. I am the one pushing him away and I'm surprised he isn't really angry at me for it.

I don't know why I don't feel like meeting up with him though. I still love him and I love spending time with him, but something in my head is stopping me from going anywhere or doing anything with anyone. Like now for instance, I could and should be out enjoying myself, but instead I am lying in bed, under the covers, feeling way too hot but making no effort to come out and cool down. 

Maybe if I can fall asleep then I can skip to tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes I can struggle through school, and have another day over and done with. I just want things to be over, but I don't know why. I'm not waiting for anything, I don't have any plans, yet I want this part of life to just end so I can move onto the next thing, even though the next thing is equally as mundane.

But it feels good to be here. Like this is my own space where nobody else is allowed to be. I can do and say whatever I want to and nobody is there to have a problem with it. I can just close my eyes and be somewhere else for a while. I can forget that the world is around me and escape for a while.

My stomach rumbled angrily, bringing me out of my thoughts. I wonder how long it has been since I got back from school? Not that it matters anyway. Time is just a concept and is nothing that I can change or control.

I wish I could. It would be great to stop time for a while and just enjoy a moment when it's good. Or maybe to skip time, so I could just fast forward the near future to something more exciting. But life could be exciting now. I just have to put the effort in to allow myself to feel that excitement, but I just don't have the motivation to do so.

I don't feel any motivation at all. In fact, I don't feel anything.

I started to think about Ryan. I kind of feel sorry for him for having someone as useless as me for a girlfriend. I mean, I'm making up excuses not to see him after promising him that nothing would change. Yeah that lasted(!)

Sooner or later he is going to find our that I'm lying. I'll run out of excuses and then what? He'll dump me in a heartbeat and then things will get even worse. I really shouldn't have ever left. I should have listened to Ryan when he told me to stay. He must have seen this coming, or at least been worried for it. And now I've gone and proven him right. Idiot Marie. Absolute idiot.