Changed For The Better

End of an Era

Marie's POV

Officially, the funeral service, talking part was over. We stood in a huddle over the coffin that had been lowered into the hole in the ground. it's so weird to think that Harley's body was in there, lifeless. We'll never see him smiling, or see his eyes, again.

I joined the queue of people waiting to have their final moments before leaving. I was the only one of the dumping ground lot who wanted to say goodbye, so the others went and waited on the minibus. Even Ryan went with them, but I knew he was watching me through the window.

It was finally my turn. I stepped across the short patch of grass and stood in front of the lowered coffin. I took the crunched up paper out of my bag and dropped it down. If Harley is at rest, then he should at least have my final words with him. He needs to know how bad I really feel.

I knelt down on the ground so that I wouldn't have to speak so loud. I know he can't really hear me, but it feels wrong just standing here in silence by myself.

"Harley...that paper really says it all but, well, I hope that wherever you are, if you can see me or hear me, you need to know that I will miss you. I never showed it and I really, really regret that now, and I don't think there will ever come a day where I don't regret not showing you that I care. Goodbye Harley, and I truly do hope to join you one day, if you could ever forgive me, which I know is unthinkable, and I'm sorry"

I stood up, and read his gravestone before I left:

"Here lies Harley Richards, a beloved son, brother and friend.

Taken too soon from a world too cruel, he will always be remembered"

That was all it said. Not even a birthday or any patters or anything. There was a lot of empty space, which they normally leave when they think someone is going to be joining you. I wiped away all the tears that were on my face, and turned to go back to the minibus. I didn't want to be there any longer then I had to, specially since other people were waiting to mourn.

I plodded slowly across the graveyard, towards the minibus. I could feel the damp ground beneath my cold feet. Coupled with the overwhelming guilt and sadness that was consuming me by the second. I didn't feel like existing. This is the lowest I've ever felt.

When I opened the door to the minibus, everyone stopped talking. I kept my head down and shuffled into the nearest seat, next to the window, alone.

It didn't feel real. I could barely hear or see anything as Luke closed the door and started to drive away. The entire drive back I just stared out of the window and watched as the worlds went blurry. It might have been the tears, or the tiredness.

It felt like forever until we got back, but it also felt like mere seconds. The world was like a watercolour painting. Nothing felt like it was actually there. It's like I left part of me, a big part of me, behind.

Everyone else got off the minibus, I climbed off last. Ryan was waiting for me on the driveway. He opened his arms for me as I stepped off the minibus, I practically collapsed onto him. He wrapped his arms firmly around me and stood strong as I struggled to stay standing.

He shushed me and calmed me down. He wiped my tears away. He wrapped a secure shoulder around  me as we went inside. As soon as we walked in, I looked through the window to the office and saw Mike and Agatha sitting there.

I took my bag off my shoulders and slung it over the edge of the banister before running to the bathroom, leaving Ryan in the hallway on his own. I locked the door behind me and leant over the sink.

I've cried so hard that I feel sick. There's a lump in my throat that just won't go away but I feel so stupid because things could be so much worse for me. I'm not exactly in Harley's situation now am I?

I looked at myself in the mirror and instantly regretted it. My face was red, my skin was dry and tearstained. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I am such a mess, but I need to grieve. I turned on the cold tap and splashed some water over my face, hoping that maybe it would help. Of course it didn't, it never does but for some reason I always try.

I patted it dry and started thinking, which is never a good idea either. This time tomorrow I won't be here any more. But that doesn't always mean that things will be better, does it? And that is exactly what I've been saying to myself.

I have been lying to myself,and saying that everything bad will end as soon as I walk out of that door. But it won't. If I still see Ryan, chances are I will still see all of the others as well. And Harley still won't be alive will he? He is never coming back.

I took some deep breaths. This is for the better. You will get better. You will have a happier life away from everyone here. It's time to grow up.

I put the towel away and started heading out of the bathroom. I'll be back, I know that. It isn't the last time I'll come here. Except next time, I will be a visitor, not a resident. I slowly walked down the hallway, dragging my hand along the wall.

Why do I suddenly feel so attached to this place? I was happy to leave, excited even. But since the funeral, I just haven't been feeling It at all. I guess now that I have seen how easy it is to throw life away, and how unlikely it is to be alive in the first place, well I guess this all suddenly looks so serious.

I reached the top of the stairs and could hear voices from the hallway below, outside the office. I stopped quietly to listen.

"Well she should be on her down now" said Mai Lee. "Ryan do you know where she went?"

"I think she is just making sure she hasn't left something behind or she's on the toilet or something. I'm sure she's on her way"

"It's alright, there's no rush" Agatha said, or at least I think it was Agatha. It sounded like her.

There were a really tense moment of silence, and for a second I thought they had seen me, and were wondering why I was standing there doing nothing. I was about to step forward when Ryan suddenly said

"Look after her" in a sort of soft voice.

"We will Ryan" said Mike, sounding displeased.

"No I mean it. You don't know how much she hurts sometimes Mike. Call me, or get her to call me if she needs me"

There was another short silence, so I decided to make an entrance. I loudly walked down the stairs and they watched me as I did so. As I reached the bottom, I grabbed my bag from the banister, and slung the strap over my shoulder.

"You ready kiddo?" Mike asked with a smile.