Changed For The Better

Soldier

I walked into our room to see Ryan staring at himself in the mirror. The main light wasn't on but the lamp was. We never open the curtains again after I was on the window ledge earlier. I shut the door behind me.

Ryan didn't move as I walked across the room to him. I know what's going to happen now. He's going to try to convince me to stay here. But this my choice. I have to be selfish here. As much as I want to stay with Ryan, I can't stay with everyone else who is here.

"Ryan" I said as I stood behind him so he could see me in the mirror. I placed my hand on his shoulder, signalling that I wanted to talk to him.

"Please, talk to me" I said. He slowly turned to face me, tears in his eyes.

"You're unhappy" he stated, taking me by surprise.

"What?"

"You aren't happy. You don't want this not really, and you know you don't"

"But I do Ryan" I said as I held onto his hands. "I want this so I can be away from the dumping ground away from everything that has happened with Harley...I just...I could barely take it before today and now things are only going to be worse. It's best for everyone if I just go"

"Not for me"

"But Ryan you can leave here soon anyway. And I will be living with Mike which isn't far away. We can visit whenever and we will still see each other at school"

"But you'll still see all the others at school too so you might as well just not leave"

"I can handle them at school Ryan. I can hide from them at school and I've faced the bullies before. And I'll be spending every free moment with you. You could even stay over and come over for dinner and stuff, I'm sure Mike and Agatha wouldn't mind"

"Stop acting as if everything will be the same! And stop pretending you know them really well! You said it yourself, Mike doesn't know you any more and Agatha only just met you. None of this is guaranteed"

"Well I can make it guaranteed. If it is as bad as you think then I can come back here. That will always be an option. They're fostering me, not adopting me"

"I know but you still won't be living here and I won't see you every day"

"Yes you will, and I can promise that. I will either see you at school, or out of school or I will definitely text and video call as much as you can. Ryan you have to trust me on this. It will be just as hard for me to live without you then it will be for you to live without me"

"I do trust you, honestly I do"

"Then why are you worried?"

"Because I get scared of what might happen to you while I'm not around to look after you. I mean I've already failed as a boyfriend..."

"Woah wait what? No you haven't! You've been an amazing boyfriend"

"Oh really? What kind of boyfriend can't be the reason for his girlfriend to stay? If you feel so attacked by everyone and so vulnerable that you want to leave, then I have done a bad job of defending you"

"No you haven't" I reassured him as I rested my head on his shoulder. "You have been there for me right from the start, even when I haven't deserved it. You have done your best and that is all I could ever ask"

"But my best wasn't good enough"

"Well, sometimes the world proves to be too much and our best isn't good enough, but that's completely fine. We aren't designed to win every battle, to come out of each fight on top. That wouldn't be possible. We just lost this one, and it happens sometimes, but we can either lie on the battlefield and cry out in pain until we can cry no more, or we can soldier on to the next battle. And yes we may have wounds, but in the end, anyone who comes out is a winner. Life is never going to stay the same for long. It's like one long, battlefield of changes, but we'll keep going through it"

"That was deep"

"Do you see what I'm trying to say?"

"Yes I get it" he said. "I'm sorry, I was being selfish, wanting you to stay just so I could see you. If you aren't happy here then I want you to leave so you can be in a place where you are happy, because that would make me happy"

"And don't worry, you really will still see me all of the time. You can't get rid of me that easily" I smiled.

"It will be hard still, and, well, I'm gonna miss you so much!" He rested his arms around me and held me tight. I wrapped mine around his torso and buried my head further into his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head and we just held onto each other and closely as we could.

"I'll miss you too. But it will be okay. I'm only a fifteen minute walk away. Or a phone calls. Or a short bike ride..."

"I get it I just..." he sniffed. I took my head off of his chest and looked up to him. "I didn't want to cry" he whispered, looking away.

I used one finger underneath his chin to turn his head back to me, forcing him to make eye contact with me. I stared at him for a second before connecting our lips, briefly and softly. Closing the only gap between us.

"It's okay to cry" I said quietly. "You taught me that"

He hugged me again. "You promise we won't lose touch?"

"Ryan I promise. You'll see me as much as we possibly can"

"Good. Because I really don't want to let you go"

I felt warm in his arms, as cliché as that sounds. With everything going on in the world around me, all the emotions and drama, Ryan has been strong. He has focussed on me, not on anything else. Not even on Harley, all because he wanted me to be happy. I don't deserve him.

I really don't deserve most of the things I have. Apart from the bullying and pain and stuff. But there is no way I would be able to stop all of that. Not without moving away, like to the other end of the country and starting life again, which I don't want. I want to stay for Ryan.