Changed For The Better

Morning Thoughts

For some horrific reason, I woke up before the alarm went off. Weird I know. I couldn't get back to sleep which was kind of annoying. I don't know why I woke up though. I was exhausted. My body still needed to be asleep, but my stupid brain decided to wake me up.

There was nothing I could do about it at this point so I rolled over to check on Ryan. He was still sleeping soundly next to me. He's lucky, he still has another hour asleep. What am I supposed to do before he wakes up?

If I go on my phone, it will light up the room and maybe wake him up so I'm not doing that. It's too dark to read, not like I'm any good at that any way. I have no inspiration for a song and again, it's too dark to see what I'm doing.

What do early birds do before everyone else is awake? People actually claim to enjoy this time of the day? Nothing is happening. Although I guess the people who like to be up now are the people who go to bed sooner and go on early morning runs. I could go on a run. I don't want to. But I could.

I laid back on my bed and stopped staring at Ryan. Don't get me wrong, he is a pretty sight to look at, I just feel a bit creepy staring at him. Suddenly my mind turned to thoughts of the party on Saturday.

Having had a night to sleep on it, I suddenly don't have as much desire to go. It does sound fun, but like Ryan said, it's weird that I, of all people, got invited. I've never spoken to Molly in my life. I've only ever looked at her and wished I could be her. And now I'm going to her house party? I didn't even think to ask if it was her birthday.

Now that I think about it, she probably sent it to me by accident. Or she sent it to everyone to get as many people there as possible. Mind you Ryan didn't get an invite, I had to ask if he could come. To be fair she agreed.

I might ask Harley. See if he was invited, and if he was, I'll ask if he had anything to do with my invite. If he did then I won't go. I'm not dragging Ryan to a party that another boy had me invited to. If he didn't then I guess it would be rude not to go. I was invited after all.

Speaking of Harley, I have to go into town later with him. I wonder where we will end up this time. I remember last time we ended up in that ultra violet art room with all the glow in the dark paintings and stuff on the wall.

I hope this time we just wander around or go sit in the park for a bit or something like that. I don't want Harley getting the wrong impression, or Ryan for that matter. I just want to be able to cheer him up, then let him go about his day. I can only hep him so much. He needs to make his own friends again and not depend on me. I'll help him for now, but I'm not his best friend or anything. He needs to learn to get by without me, since we might not know each other, come the end of this year.

That makes me feel weird. I know it's always been coming, but now that it's coming soon, I don't know it just doesn't feel right. Our whole lives since age 4 have been building up to these exams that we are taking this year. And we have always had the same people with us throughout this process.

Whereas after they actually happen, we just have prom and then we don't see half the people again, which isn't always a bad thing. But what about the people you do care about? The only way to properly stay in touch with people is to still be in the same lessons as them.

But that won't happen and I know it won't. Not everybody has the same plans for the future and that is fine. We never expected them to. But what if Ryan doesn't have the same plans as me?

I don't really have plans at this point, and I don't think Ryan does either. We have a few ideas, but they probably don't match up. Ryan hasn't spoken to me about what he wants to do, and what if that's because he knows he won't be doing what I'm doing?

Maybe one of us will be at college and the other at sixth form, or an apprenticeship?  We are both almost old enough to move out, but we can choose to stay in case until we are 18 which is good. That means that even if our education lives go separate ways, we will still live together in the same house, here, so we will stay in touch.

But Ryan turns 18 before I do, so he will have to leave a few months before me. Unless I decided to move out at the same time he does, which I would be entitled to choose to do. Worse case scenario, is that he chooses to leave at 16, and our education goes different ways. Then I wouldn't see him nearly as often. But I would hope that I mean more to him, so he won't just abandon me.

I'm sure he won't but it is still a possibility and that scares me. I think he is, as of now, the only person I care about so much that i don't want to lose touch. If I lost touch with anybody else then I wouldn't really care. But with Ryan it would hurt too much to not be around him all the time. We've been there before.

Wait a minute, I might be getting fostered. If i get fostered we will be separated. If I get fostered and we go into different education systems, then we might never be able to hang out and see each other. I don't know how adults manage to get into relationships when you don't already live together and see each other every day. Like you would actually have to go out just to see each other.

Or maybe it's just because I've never been in that position before. Either way, it sounds hard and not like something I want to deal with. it's good and easy what Ryan and I have. We've gone through so much and been tested so many times that it feels like nothing can break us apart now.

At least I hope not. But there is a small part of me that sometimes thinks that I'm too attached and blinded by all the feelings I get from Ryan, and that maybe I just don't see that he actually isn't into me, or he's just doing it for fun. It's just a doubt.

But then I remember everything he has done for me in the past. You know he's stuck up for me when nobody else has, he's taken me to amazing places and stayed up with me when I've had a nightmare. He wouldn't be doing that if it was all superficial, would he?

The alarm started going off. Was that really an hour? Wow. Didn't feel like it. I turned over and watched Ryan wake up, which is always a fun thing to see. He pulled a funny, strained face before scowling and turning the alarm clock off.

I tried not to laugh as he rolled over to face me and slowly opened is eyes. His bed hair was worse than mine for once. He looked at me and was instantly confused.

"How are you so wide awake? You look like you've been up for hours"

"Nah I woke up like five minutes early" I lied. He would probably get worried if he knew I woke up around an hour ago.

"Oh right. You should have woken me up"

"You just looked so peaceful"

"I wouldn't have minded"

"I'll remember that for next time" I smiled.

"Please do" he smirked. This has actually been a pretty okay start to the day, considering the time.