Changed For The Better

Hometime

I definitely didn't make it home before dark. I was running along the streets that were flooded with an orange glow from the street lamps above, cursing under my breath for allowing myself to become late the first time I've been given a curfew. What if Mike and Agatha don't trust me now!?

I kept on running until I rounded the corner that I crashed into Ryan on earlier. I'm so close but so tired, so I walked the rest of the way there. I was panting and felt really hot. I was probably very red in the face, or at least that's how it felt.

I got back to the house perhaps ten or fifteen minutes later than I should have done. I walked in and, just like old times, Mike was stood in the hall, looking angrily down a his watch. Agatha was with him and didn't look too happy either.

As soon as I walked in, they both looked at me with rage in their eyes. "You're late" Mike said coldly.

"Yes I know and I am so sorry" I said as I closed the door behind me and began to approach them slightly. "and it won't happen again it's just I got so held up by Mai Lee who wanted to talk to me about something and check in on me and she wouldn't listen or let me explain or leave and..."

"I trusted you Marie. But if you cannot respect the rules here then you won't be allowed out on your own again."

"But it wasn't my fault...!"

"Look outside Marie!" He shouted. I turned to face the window behind and looked out, before turning back to Mike. "You were given one instruction, and that was to be home by dark and have you done that?"

"Well no but..."

"No." There was an awkward pause where I just looked between him and Agatha. Agatha didn't look mad any more, she looked kind of sorry for me which doesn't surprise me considering what Mike was saying. I feel much worse being told off here and now, than I ever did when being told off by him at the dumping ground.

"Marie go to bed" Mike said in a quiet, kind of scary voice. "We will talk about this tomorrow"

"But Mike..."

"Now Marie!"

I looked back to Agatha but she showed no signs of saying anything so I sighed, hung my head, and went off up to bed. It was like doing the walk of shame past a bunch of people who were watching and judging you.

Why is he so angry with me now. I've missed curfews before and done worst things back when living with him at the dumping ground. So why now? I would have thought he would be less bothered now because he doesn't have risk assessments and criteria and stuff to deal with. No rules and regulations from his bosses so what is different now?

I went upstairs and dumped my shoes at the foot of the bed. this is so annoying! Nobody is listening to me today! Mai Lee wouldn't listen to me when I told her that I was fine and now Mike isn't listening to me when I'm trying to explain why I was late! It's so frustrating because now I'm getting in trouble and upsetting Mike but they aren't giving me a chance!

I sighed and tried to calm myself down. I know that if I get all worked up I'm only going to end up making things worse for myself and then therefore Mike and Agatha too. It hurts that Mike was so disappointed in me for something so small. It really isn't a big deal.

I got changed into my pyjamas and got ready for bed. Time to just curl up under my blanket and forget about life for the rest of the night. Tomorrow morning is going to suck. Mike was so mad he didn't even want to talk about it now, which means he must have been really mad.

I can't avoid him forever though. I'm going to have to face him and everything he has to say to me at some point. I guess breakfast tomorrow will be interesting. I feel so much shame though and that is what is hurting me the most right now.

Mike has managed to make me feel so guilty over something that really shouldn't be bothering me at all. I feel so ashamed of myself and almost don't want to show my face to them because of this. I'll be fine in the morning. I just need to sleep on this I'm sure. I need to pull myself together and then I'll be fine in the morning.

I got into bed and turned out the lights. Apart from the very first and very last parts, today has been great. Seeing Ryan was amazing, even if he did have a bit of a moment and scared me a bit. But it's fine as long as it doesn't happen again. If it does then I'm going to have to talk to Luke about it.

Thinking of Luke, I didn't really get a chance to speak to him today. Oh well, I am sure I'll see him soon enough anyway. Now I know that they don't all hate me for leaving, I'm not as scared to go back there casually without having to let them all know in advance.

It's good to know that I'm still welcome. And even better knowing that everything that I was afraid of was genuinely all in my head. The product of my addictive overthinking is ultimately what brings me down. so I need to learn when to stop.

But now I know I can rely on Ryan just as much as I used to, only now it will have to be via the phone rather than face to face like it used to be, even though we will be seeing each other face to face as much as we can anyway. I guess what I mean, is that when I'm overthinking things, if I catch myself doing it or even if I don't, I can text Ryan and he can bring me back down to earth again.

And I know that no matter how mad Mike is at me, it will be fine. This won't be the end of my placement. This isn't the end of anything.