Changed For The Better

Talking

Ryan and I were sat on his bed, just talking about life and other stuff in general. It's so weird being in here when my bed isn't here. The room looks so different, even though my feature wall hasn't been painted over yet, so the two halves of the room are still different colours which looks kinda weird.

"Ryan why haven't you painted over that wall yet?" I asked.

"I didn't want to because...." he trailed off.

"Because what?" I asked, looking up at him. He was laying down beside me and we goth had our legs up on the wall, our heads were almost hanging off the long side of the bed.

"Well, because I thought you might come back" he admitted.

"Ryan..."

"And you still might" he interrupted me. "There's still a chance if something goes wrong, and the room can be just how it was before and..."

"Ryan, it's not going to happen" I said softly.

"Are you sure? Because if anything happens then you can come back straight away?"

"I know that, but I feel like if something were going to happen it would have by now. I trust Mike and Agatha, I need you to trust them too"

"I do trust them. I guess I just, no, it's silly and selfish. Never mind"

"No, tell me what you were going to say" I nagged.

"I guess, and don't hate me for it, but in the back of my mind, I kind of wanted something to go wrong or I wanted something to happen. Not because I wanted something bad to happen to you, because I hate that, but just so you would come home"

"But Ryan, I have a different home now, but that changes nothing for you and me okay? And I don't think you're selfish for thinking what you thought, I know you were thinking with me best interests, well, kind of. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. It's just a wall"

Then we fell into a comfortable silence. I felt warmth in my hand as Ryan took my hand into his. We carried on staring up at the ceiling, I was desperately trying to come up with something to say. Searching through my brain and my life, and I couldn't find anything.

"Have you written any more music recently?" Ryan asked after some time.

"No" I admitted.

"I hope you don't me asking" oh no, I don't like how this sounds "But what have you actually been doing this whole time. We know that you haven't been going on all these trips"

"Yeah, that was kind of just an excuse"

"For what though? Where were you really?"

"Just at home" I said.

"So all those times you ran straight after school, or you said you were busy, you were just sitting at home?"

"Yeah pretty much" I admitted, shutting my eyes as to avoid his gaze. Saying what I just said made me feel terrible. Guilt was pulsing through me as I was reminded of all the crappy things I have done recently.

"Hey, look it's okay" Ryan said softly. "Like I said, I am not mad at you and I don't blame you. We'll just take things as they come alright?"

I opened my eyes to see him watching me. He smiled as we made eye contact, and suddenly I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place. The others don't matter. Luke, Mai Lee, Mike and Agatha they aren't what matters to me, not right now.

Right now I am here for Ryan. And yes the others are still part of my life and I care about them, but they can't do anything to control or take away what I have with Ryan. He and I decide how we work. That's up to us and nobody else.

"What are you thinking about?" Ryan asked, breaking the silence that I had not previously noticed.

"You" I replied,

"Oh yeah? What about me?" He asked, suddenly being kind of flirty. Oh I've missed him.

"Just kind of remembered all of the good things about you and why I liked you in the first place. That sort of thing" I said quietly.

"What brought that on?" He smirked. I love that smirk and damn I have missed it.

"I dunno. I was just sort of thinking about everyone and everything that has happened recently. I realised that I don't actually care about some of the things that I was worrying about the most"

"Such as what?"

"Like everyone else here, people's opinions on us and our relationship, that sort of thing."

"And that doesn't matter now?"

""Basically yeah. I realised that the impact they have, they can only have because I let them have it, if that makes sense. Like they can't get to me unless I choose to value their opinion, and I have now chosen to not value their opinion....do you get what it is that I'm trying to say?"

"Yeah" he laughed. "I get it. And I am so glad that you have reached this point. It's taken a while for you which isn't a problem don't worry, but I should just make sure you know that I haven't cared about anyone else from the get go. It's you and always you that has mattered to me. Chloe too now, but even if she hated you or wanted me to get rid of you, I wouldn't. I just want you to know that"

"It's good to hear it out loud, although I've thought so all along" I smiled. He smiled back and we both returned our gazes to the ceiling above us.

"So Ryan, anything interesting happening at the dumping ground? Anything good for you to fill me in on?"

"Well, it's just the same old really"

"Yeah but Ryan, same old for the dumping ground is the same as absolute chaos anywhere else. Come on, what's been going on? What was Tyler being told off for before?"

"I'm not sure since I wasn't here either, but this morning he was in a really foul mood, even over breakfast. Like, what could have got him so worked up before breakfast?"

"Hey, don't ask me! But I'm sure you'll find out sooner or later, nothing ever stay a secret in this place"

"True. Guess that's one thing that you don't miss"

"Yeah, I'd like to say there is nothing that I don't miss, but I do enjoy having my privacy with Mike and Agatha"

"They don't swamp you then?"

"Oh no not at all"

"That's good to hear"