Changed For The Better

Breakdown

It was getting really late and Ryan and I were still discussing my options. Luke's shift ends soon, so I'm sure it won't be long before he comes knocking, and asking what I want to do. But the trouble is, I don't know.

Ryan thinks I should go for Mike and his wife, but I have a hunch that it's just so he knows I won't be going far. I get it, I don't want to leave him either. But I'm leaving the dumping ground. So surely if I'm going off with Mike, I'm not truly leaving the dumping ground in my past am I?

And last night, before we knew why Mike had texted, Ryan was convincing me that Mike didn't really ever care about us. And I believed him, but now he is telling me to go and live with the man, saying it's my best option.

But then what are my other options? A bunch of boring sounding, no fun couples who I have never met before? They've only seen what is on my file. They don't know me in real life, not like Mike does. But then again, his wife doesn't know me does she? She might hate me, and then the whole thing could be a waste of time anyway.

One thing I know for sure is that no option is safe, not one option is guaranteed to turn out well for me in the end. I can hope, but I won't know until I've done it. And this pretty much sets up my future, even if it's just my immediate future.

I.Have.To.Get.This.Right.

"But you know him. You know he knows you, he knows what's best for you"

"Does he Ryan? He's had me fostered before and you know how that went"

"Yeah okay he isn't perfect. But it isn't like he could do that again is it? He will look after you"

"You don't know that"

"Neither do you Marie, not with any of them. He is your best option"

"But it isn't any different to before. And even though Mike was great as a social worker, he might not be so good as a dad."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, before, when he worked here, it wasn't only me he had on his plate. It was everyone. What if when it's just me, he gets bored or doesn't know what to do with me"

"That isn't going to happen and you know it"

"Or what if he is always out working at the other care home, then what will I do?"

"Spend time with his wife, spend time with me! It doesn't matter and again, you're forgetting that any of these families could be busy with work"

Ryan had a point. Each one of my arguments weren't specific to Mike. I don't know why, but I was trying to find a reason, no an excuse, not to get fostered by Mike. It just, didn't feel right.

"Well, how would the others feel when they found out? They wouldn't like it much, then Mike would be in for it"

"And I'm sure Mike could handle it, the others would be happy for you. And if they aren't then it isn't your problem. You won't have to see them. Marie this is your chance and your opportunity, you can't let it get spoiled by the others. Do this for yourself, and not for them"

"But even then, when they are all going on and on about it, you'll be the one who has to deal with it"

"Don't worry about me, do it for yourself like I said"

"But you'll be left picking up the pieces"

"That will happen with whichever family you decide to go with"

"Well I get that Ryan but I just don't know what to do and Luke wants to know by the end of the day because that's what I stupidly told him yesterday but none of the families stand out to me and none of them seem perfect or the right match for me but I need to go no I have to go because I can't stay in this place but it's just so stressful and I can't do it and...!"

"Hey hey hey hey hey Marie" Ryan caught up with me, I had been pacing again. He wrapped his arms protectively around me and pulled me into his chest. I saw my vision go like watercolour and began crying into him. My face was buried in his chest and he was holding me so tight as I leant on him.

"sshh" he cooed. "It's alright love, it's okay" I sobbed onto his chest more, and struggled to keep my breathing under my own control. "Look" he started "I can see how much this is getting to you, but like you said, Luke wants his answer and we can't avoid that" he said softly.

"So" he continued "Let's get you calmed down, and then we can sit down with the papers and look through them again, and then you can make your choice. I won't influence you, I won't make it harder for you. I will support you in whatever it is you choose. Okay?"

I nodded in his chest, but I just couldn't stop crying no matter how hard I tried. Ryan kept his arms round me the whole time, and was whispering sweet nothings into my ears to help calm me down, which it did.

I pulled away slightly and looked up at him. He wiped some tears from my face then leant down and kissed me gently. He smiled at me, and I cringed when I saw the tears on his shirt.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay, it will dry off. And, luckily for you my shoulders were feeling extra absorbent today"

I giggled a little at that statement, then sniffled through my snotty nose. He hugged me again and I felt a lot better. I dried my eyes with a tissue and then we sat back down on my bed with each of the information packs.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, before we got started.

"Yeah yeah, I just got a bit overwhelmed is all"

"Okay. Are you sure you're ready to do this? We can take a break if you want?"

"No it's okay. I'd rather do it sooner than later"

He nodded and we opened up the first pack.

----------

There came a knock at the door and in walked Luke.

"Have you made your decision?"

I looked beside me at Ryan who placed his hand on my knee and nodded at me reassuringly.

I turned back to Luke and picked up the information pack of the couple I wanted to meet up with.

"I choose..."