Changed For The Better

TW: Bridge

The end of the day rolled round and it felt like we had been here years. My forehead was throbbing slightly from where I had hurt it this morning, but oh well. There really isn't anything I can do about it.

As promised, I was waiting by the lockers where I was planning on meeting up with Harley to go down into town for a bit. He was acting a bit weird earlier, I was a bit uncomfortable. But he knows or hopefully thinks that I have to be back kind of early. That way I can go home and spend some time with Ryan today as well, and not just be stuck out with Harley. I also have some homework I have to do as well which is just great(!)

He wasn't there though which was weird. I don't think he would stand me up like this, but a part of me kind of doesn't care if he has. Then I can just go home and don't bother going into town and all that. Specially since it's still wet outside, it isn't retaining any more, but it's wet and probably still slippery.

My thoughts were interrupted when he casually strolled over to me. Does he not even know he's late? I decide to not mention it as I don't want things to be awkward before we even go anywhere. If we can keep this going smoothly, then we can get it out the way and done quicker and I can go home.

"Hey. You ready?"

"Yeah, where are we off to?"

"Honestly, I didn't plan anything. I kind of thought you would bail and it's always better when it's spontaneous"

"Why would I bail?"

"To spend time with Ryan, or someone else who is better than me?"

"Yeah I'm not that shallow. Im not just gonna make plans with someone then blow them off for someone else"  I retorted, kind of feeling annoyed that he thought that of me in the first place. Then again, his opinion means nothing to me.

"Okay, sorry. I just got a bit nervous is all"

"Well don't. This is only me, I'm not exactly threatening am I"

He didn't respond. I don't know if it's because I put him on the spot or if he didn't know what to do or say without offending me. Well done Marie you lasted a strong ten seconds without being awkward. New record.

"What happened to your head?" He Asked finally, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh I slipped over in the rain this morning onto the side of the pavement" I replied, my voice filled with shame. "Sometimes I feel too clumsy to exist"

"Nah I've done that before. Is that why you weren't in form then?"

"Yup. Too busy sitting in the nurses office getting it sorted" I replied.

"At least you aren't seriously hurt"

"Yeah I guess it could have been much worse. It's in an awkward place though"

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's right on my forehead. It's not exactly a subtle location to have a big chunk of cotton wool taped to you is it?"

"You still look great...umm..I mean..." he stuttered, I just carried on walking beside him, bit knowing what to say to save this situation. "I mean you always look great..good....like you don't look any worse...not saying you look bad..."

"Just stop and rewind that entire sentence"

"Okay, thanks. I'm a bit awkward"

"No worries" I replied. Harley really has changed. Before he was the arrogant, self absorbed dickhead. Now he's this bumbling awkward mess who can't maintain the conversation like a normal person. Not that I can either but that really isn't the point.

We carried on walking until we were at the town centre. Neither of us had brought any money or had the desire to browse in any of the shops, so we decided to just go down to the park where we sat under the bridge. Everywhere else was soaking wet so it was either sit on the mucky ground beneath the bridge, or the mucky wet benches and get a wet bum. Why did we decide to do this?

We were sat in another awkward silence. It was too early for me to be able to make my escape and pretend I had to go. But it was too late to cancel or say the weather was too bad or that my head was hurting too much and I wanted to leave. I didn't have a single excuse for leaving.

I was desperately trying to think of something to say. Harley and I have never been close, but it's like we're less than close. We're at the stage where we know we kind of want to get to know each other and we kind of want to get comfortable around each other, but we're both too scared to actually say something.

I felt like Harley wasn't going to brake the ice. He was sat with his knees up to his chest and was hugging his legs a bit while leaning on the wall of the bridge. I had my legs crossed in front of me and my back also leaning against the wall, my arms folded in front of me for warmth. Like seriously this was a terrible idea.

"How are you then?" I said, reverting back to small talk like an idiot.

"What do you mean?"

"How are you doing. With everything going on at home I mean"

"Well, with Mum gone Dad is falling to pieces. My brother isn't helping, but it isn't his fault he doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't understand it"

"Have you, self harm recently?"

"Not recently"

"Good"

"You?"

"I haven't either" I said, shocked that he had remembered.

"Good"

"Have you felt like it recently?" I asked.

"Yeah." He sighed. "You?"

"No"

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Oh, it seems you're doing better than me"

"So? These things take time Harley. I leant the hard way that you have to be willing to help yourself and you have to try. Ryan taught me that"

"Don't talk about him"

"What about Ryan? Why not?"

"Just don't."

"Harley I really don't get the problem..."

"He's with you! All the time and he has nothing to do with what we are talking about so just don't mention him!" He snapped, suddenly angry. "Sorry" he breathed. "It just frustrates me"

"It's alright, I've been there before"

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's like a phase. Suddenly everything that happens makes you angry, the littlest thing. Then late at night you realise what you did and start to feel terrible, even if the person you did it to doesn't care"

"That's exactly it" he said, turning his body to face me. We locked eyes for an awkwardly long time, until I bottled it and looked away. I want to leave now.