Changed For The Better

TW: That Talk

Ryan followed me as we walked in silence to the graveyard where Harley and his Mum were buried. It was kind of a weird, and sensitive place to be, but I would rather sit somewhere where it is good to think and talk, than go somewhere where there are other people who could interrupt us.

We went and sat down on a bench where we could see their graves, but we weren't too close. Ryan recognised where we were but he didn't say anything. We were sat right next to each other but were both looking forward, out across the graveyard. We didn't make much eye contact.

"So" I said. "This is the hard part"

"The talking?"

"Yeah. And I really am sorry, this is all my fault. If it weren't for me, then we would still be really close and this wouldn't be as awkward and nothing would have changed and..."

"Marie please calm down. You've blown this up in your mind. It's only been like a week, and I have seen you at school. We just haven't spent as much time alone together as we used to, and I think that since you aren't used to that, it's sending you into this spiral. Please just calm down yeah? It's okay. We're okay"

"But I've been ignoring you. I haven't replied to texts, I haven't come out to meet you and I have been voiding you at school. Even if it is only for a week I have been an awful person and an even worse girlfriend. You know, when I decided to meet you today, I thought you would dump me"

"Not a chance. Though I do want to ask you why you haven't spoken to me, if you don't mind me asking"

I took a deep breath. "I actually don't know" I said, an unintentional waver in my voice. "And it's so scary to me, because I don't understand it either and I hate that. But something in my head told me it would be better to avoid you and everyone really, and I hated it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I wanted to go out and I wanted to talk to you and call you and reply to your texts but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It was like I was scared or something. And even when Mike and Agatha encouraged me to, I just told them that I preferred to be by myself."

"But you didn't?"

"No! It was lonely and sad and I knew that everybody else was probably having fun and I wasn't, but that was all my fault"

He sighed and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his side and resting his head on top of my head. He felt warm against my cold body. Maybe staying outside was a bad idea in the end.

"I'm so sorry" I said again.

"This isn't your fault."

"Yes it is"

"Do you want to know what I think?" I looked up at him, signalling for him to continue. "I think that because of the move and all of that, you have had a rough time and maybe, and don't take this the wrong way, maybe your mental health has suffered because of it"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you were saying about staying inside or not wanting to go see the people who you wanted to see, it almost sounds to anxiety, or maybe even depression. I am not a professional and maybe don't trust my opinion, but that is just how it sounds to me"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"It isn't a bad thing, at least not to me. There are thousands and thousands of people who have these things and go through similar things to you every day. And it's perfectly valid to feel this way so never feel like you can't talk to me about it. I'll be here with open ears and arms"

"Open ears?" I smiled.

"Oh you know what I meant" he laughed.

"So, you haven't given up on me then?" I asked after a moment.

"I could never" he replied.

"How did I get someone like you to be so good to someone like me?"

"You didn't have to do anything. Being yourself is just enough" he smiled down at me. I smiled back then looked out across the graveyard again.

"It kind of feels weird being here, don't you think?" I asked.

"What do you think?"

"I think it feels kind of wrong to be here, all things considered"

"You don't still blame yourself do you?"

"Of course I do! Who else can I blame?"

"Harley. He chose to..."

"It's me, all me. Just like he said. And I will live with that for the rest of my life and I'll have to deal with it"

Ryan remained silent, but shifted so that his arm was draped over my shoulder. With his other hand e reached down and intertwined his fingers with mine.

"Oh my god babe you're freezing let's go back to the dumping ground"

"Are you sure? Doesn't everyone sort of hate me still?"

"Not really, or not that I know of. Occasionally Luke bring you up over dinner or asks why you haven't visited yet, but mainly people just avoid the topic. It's weird, because they know it's a sad thing for me, and that they are part of the reason you left, but I think deep down somewhere, they are actually quite sad that you left"

I thought about that for a moment. "Alright, let's go back to the dumping ground" his face lit up. "But I don't want to have to spend a load of time with the others. A quick catch up then just you and me, yeah?"

"Suits me perfectly"

We got up together, still hand in hand, and began to walk back towards the dumping ground. I looked at Harley's grave as we went past. Ryan noticed me, but didn't say anything. I want to make sure his stone is well kept and remains tidy, since I still think it was my fault that he died. It is the least I could do for him, even if he can't thank me for it.