Changed For The Better

Awake

It was something past three in the morning, and I was still awake. There is too much on my mind for me to even think about sleeping. Everything is happening at the same time. It makes me want to be here even less. I just don't want any of these things happening any more.

Ryan was fast asleep of course. I know he has said to me that if I ever need to talk in the middle of the night, he would prefer it if I woke him to talk about it, but I feel like there is nothing more to say. He's right. I am not certain about wanting to go and live with Mike and Agatha. That much I know.

I won't wake him. He deserves to sleep without me bothering him and ruining his dreams. Besides, I need to get used to not having him with me in the middle of the night. Even if I don't get fostered, it won't be that long until Ryan is old enough to move out, and if he is anything like me, he won't want to stick around here any longer than he needs to.

Then I'll be the one left here on my own again. There won't be anybody here to stick up for me. Ryan will do better here on his own than I ever would. But he doesn't think I'm ready to go. And I'm s]not so sure either. And does my uncertainty, just tell us that I'm not ready?

But that isn't all I'm worried about, I'm also worrying about this whole situation with Harley. Before bed, I had another look online. More and more people are sharing the photo, so no doubt Harley is just getting more and more hate.

I can't imagine what he feels right now, maybe he is also lying awake in bed. I wish I could text him, but I am probably the last person he wants to talk to right now. Or maybe he is totally okay and is fast asleep, and all I would do is make him a zombie for tomorrow when we have school.

Maybe I've always been a burden to him. I don't want to think about this, this whole situation is more about him then it's about me. He is the one receiving all the hate. And yes it was him who did it but he still doesn't deserve this much.

I want him to feel bad for what he did. I want people to know what he did, so they know what kind of a person he is. And I want Harley to feel guilty, and hopefully say sorry. But then that can be the end of it.

But I also wanted to be there for Harley through his depression. I wanted to help him get through the death of his Mum, but now we really aren't on good terms, and all the hate he is receiving really isn't going to help.

I also can't help him the way he wanted me to help him, I can't be the person for him who he wanted me to be. I never wanted him to see me as that person. I just intended to help, it wasn't supposed to go so wrong.

And now here I am. Worrying at a stupid hour in the morning about something I can't do anything about. Well, there's nothing I can do about the whole Harley situation, not until tomorrow when I'll see him at school.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him though. How do I start the conversation? I suppose I should apologise for what I said today, well yesterday. But he needs to apologise too. If he doesn't then it just looks like I was the bad guy.  It looks like I was the one who needed to apologise, which I know I do but I'm not the only one of us.

My mind keeps racing back to Mike and Agatha though. I can't think for long enough or focus on just one of the two subjects. I keep thinking, if I go to live with Mike and Agatha, I might move schools, which would be both a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, I would be away from Ryan and pretty much everyone I know. But I would also be way from Harley and all the drama. As harsh as it sounds, he would no longer be my problem. But then I also wouldn't be able to help him any more, but I guess it's not like I can now anyway.

But if I moved away, all my problems could vanish into nothing. I could leave them all behind. Mike and Agatha would be there to help me make decisions about my future. I mean I know Mai Lee and Luke can do that as well, but they have to divide their attention between all of us. Whereas Mike and Agatha would both just be focused on me, and only me.

I rolled over restlessly and looked at the clock. 4:18. Brilliant, school is really going to suck. I contemplated whether it was worth it to get up and go pee, but lets be honest, I would end up waking up Ryan, and probably someone else too. Never mind that idea.

I just don't know how to sleep right now. Usually, if I'm actually making the effort to stay up, I'll only make it to around midnight before my body shuts down and can't physically stay awake any longer. why tonight, of all nights, does my brain decide to buzz and think and keep me up?

Tomorrow will be hard enough as it is. Not only because I have to talk to Harley, but also because we have school, and it's Monday, which is always the worst day of any week. Bad things always happen on Mondays. It's like its the universal day of bad luck or something.

I also will inevitably have to talk to either Luke or Mai Lee about Mike and Agatha again. They say it's no rush, but I know that they will want an answer as soon as possible. It's exactly what happened when Luke was getting me to choose between potential foster families. They said they will take it slowly, and now they haven't.