Changed For The Better

Decision Time

We had all had dinner and the house was seemingly quiet. We were all in the living room, watching finding nemo. I have no idea who chose it, but I don't feel any shame in admitting that I was enjoying it. It's a really underrated film, though the sequel is a bit rubbish to be honest.

Ryan and I were in our usual spot, on the end of one of the sofas, cuddled up together. I was sort of leaning on his chest with my arms round his torso, and he had both arms resting comfortably round my waist. He had his head resting on top of mine and we were underneath a fluffy winter blanket. It isn't quite winter yet but still.

It was nice, until Luke came in and turned the light on. Everyone moaned and turned to look at him.

"Oh sorry guys, didn't realise you were all watching something. Is Marie in here?" He asked scanning the room, until his eyes eventually landed on me "Ah there you are. Can I borrow you for a few minutes in the office? I want to talk to you about today. It won't take long"

That's what he says but somehow I feel like it will. I sighed and got up, feeling cold suddenly, without Ryan's warmth and the blanket around me. I smiled at him as I left, so that he knew I would come back and make sure to tell him everything later.

I followed Luke into the office where he sat me down on the sofa as he and Mai Lee sat at their desks. It feels like I should be getting told off but I know that I'm not. They are doing the big talk. The post-day out with a potential foster family, talk. I really don't need this right now.

"So, how did it go today with the Milligans?"

"Don't say it like that" I snapped at Luke "You make them sound so formal or like a teacher or something. Just call them Mike and Agatha"

"Alright then. How did it go today with Mike and Agatha?"

"It went okay, I guess" I shrugged. I really didn't know how to feel at this point.

"Just okay?" Mai Lee asked.

"It was okay" I replied.

"Well we spoke to them earlier, they seemed to think it went really well. Marie, they really liked you" she said excitedly. but I just wasn't feeling it. For some reason I kind of don't care.

"That's just because Mike used to work here and he used to know me. He doesn't know me much now, and I can't say I know much about him any more"

"Well, it's bound to be weird at first" Luke said "But if they say they like you, they mean it. It isn't just because Mike used to work here. They like you for who you are now. They can really see a future with you Marie, if that's what you want"

"And you'll have more time to get to know them" Mai Lee added "That's the point of days like today, even if the weather does ruin it for you"

"But all they did was ask questions"

"That's because they want to make sure they would be able to look after you"

"I don't need looking after" I said, knowing how big of a lie I was telling. They both sort of gave me a knowing look, but ignored my statement. Thank goodness.

"Well" Luke said, "they are both happy to foster you as far as it goes. They want to foster you before they adopt you fully but that's how it always goes"

"What's the difference between fostering and adoption?"

"Adoption is a permanent placement, unless something puts you in danger or happens to them. with fostering, you can come back here any time you want. You can change your mind whenever you like"

"And they've offered that, to me?" I asked in shock. They both just smiled and nodded at me. Why is this happening? What happened to the whole taking a long time to find a suitable family thing? It's too fast I need more time!

"Now you don't have to make a decision right away" Mai Lee, as though she just read my mind. "But just think about it. This could be a really good thing for you, you could have a real family"

But they aren't my real family I thought. My real family are all dead. That doesn't mean they can be replaced.

"Marie? Are you okay?" I snapped out of my thoughts and they were both looking at me, concerned.

"What?! yeah No I'm fine" I stuttered in a bit of a panic as I tried to get up to leave.

"Marie, calm down. I can see that this is big but..."

"No Mai Lee you don't see! You don't see at all!" I yelled. "I'm sorry I, I have to go now"

With that I bolted out of the office and slammed the door behind me. I took a deep breath with my eyes shut, and when I opened them again I noticed Ryan coming towards me from the door to the lounge. Oops, maybe I was louder than I thought.

"Hey what's wrong?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me.

"They want to foster me!"

"What?"

"Mike and Agatha! They already told Luke and Mai Lee that they want to foster me! They just told me now"

"I don't know!"

"What do you mean you don't know!?"

"I mean I don't know Ryan!"

"Sorry" he said calming down. "Right, lets go upstairs and talk, okay?" I nodded in response, trying hard not to cry. He moved his arms, so now one was holding my hand, and had his other arm wrapped around my shoulder. I felt safe.

We went upstairs into our room where I started pacing in frustration while Ryan sat on the end of his bed, watching me carefully as I rambled.

"Luke told me this would take a long time. He said it wouldn't be fast. But this is fast! This is really fast! And don't get me wrong, I know I should go and I know I want to go and get out of here as soon as possible, but not that soon! And what if I don't like it? Mike will hate me if I say I want to go back to the dumping ground for a bit, then that will be my chances ruined and I'll be stuck here forever! I just don't know what to do Ryan I don't know what to do!"

"Hey, listen to me" he said. I stopped pacing and looked down at him. "It's up to you, okay? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to go, then you don't have to"

"But I do want to go!"

"Then go! But if you don't like it then you can come back!"

"But then I won't see you as much, and if I come back I'll blow my chances and that will be it forever!"

"Don't worry about me Marie. Our relationship survived a gap as large as the Atlantic ocean. I don't think a ten minute bus will do much damage"

"But I could still ruin it if I don't like it and decide to come back here for a bit. That will be it forever! This is going to be all or nothing!"

"No it won't! Look, Mike isn't like that, alright? He has worked with children in care for years and years don't forget, he knows how hard this is for you. He's seen it happen to kids for generations. He gets it"

"But they hardly know me Ryan" I said, flopping down on the bed beside him. "Why no? Why after just one day out, do they want to foster me?"

"Mike has knows you for ages, and I'm sure Agatha has heard enough about you"

"I dunno. It's all got so complicated so quickly"

"Do you want to know what I think?" he asked as he leant over me. I was lying down on the bed and he was now sort of lying over me, but not lying on me. He was propped up on his arms.

I nodded. "I think, if you wanted this, if you truly wanted this, then you wouldn't be second guessing so much. I just don't think you are ready. I think when you agreed to be put up for fostering, you didn't see it actually happening and becoming a reality, and now that it is, you're getting overwhelmed by it. I think you need to wait a bit longer. Get to know them better so that you actually have the desire to live with them"

Then he leaned down and kissed my forehead. ­­­He smiled at me, then left the room. I don't know if he went to go get changed or what. But he left me alone to think. he was giving me space, and I respect him for that.