Changed For The Better

TW: Sunhat

Mike and Agatha agreed to leave me to unpack on my own, so that I could have everything just how I wanted it. I appreciated that, but with everything that was going on in my head, I couldn't find the motivation to actually do it.

There was quite a lot of stuff to go through, even though while packing I did throw a lot away or give it to other people. On a normal day, or a day where I was feeling productive, it would have taken me two, maybe three hours to get most of it sorted.

It's already been forty five minutes and I still haven't gotten through the first box. Everything I pick up, even if it isn't anything I have used recently, reminds me of something from back at the dumping ground.

I reached into the box and pulled out a sunhat. It's hideous, but luckily I don't tend to need it. The last time I used it was when we all went to the beach and I got trapped in the lift with Tee. That was the first time they all found out about my self harming.

That was also back when Carmen, Harry, Tee, Mo and Bailey were all there. Wow, loads of people come and go, but when you still live there, when it isn't you, you don't tend to notice it. I wonder if they ever think back to their time at the dumping ground, or if they miss it.

They all said they would, and they all said they would visit, and none of them have. Well, Tee and Carmen have, but that's only because they needed somewhere to live over half term while they weren't at college.

Maybe that was why Ryan was so doubtful that I would keep in touch. He's been in care for way longer than I have, so he's seen people come and go for longer. As far as I can see, he never really had close friends, let alone a girlfriend. His only friend really was Tyler, and even then they weren't close at all.

He also had Chloe, but they didn't always get on. That's how he was with most people that should have been close to him, or tried to be. He would push them away, or he wouldn't try hard enough to get along with them. He wouldn't put the effort in, whether it be because he was scared of getting close to people, or he thought he was being a pain, I don't know.

But for some reason, I was the exception.

I remember when I first arrived. It was really late at night and I was in a bad mood already, then dumped in some strange house full of kids I don't know, with practically no explanation whatsoever. I didn't know what a social worker was, or really what a care home was or why I was in one.

Then when I arrived, had the water bomb thrown on me and my photo ruined while everyone stood on the stairs and watched me. Then Tyler came down and randomly said he liked my hair, and I said I didn't like his in return.

He tried to take my bag, which I guess was a nice gesture to try and make up for the water balloon, but then he ended up breaking the photo. That was when I first met Ryan, or heard him I guess.

"Nice on Tyler." I said out loud, still able to hear it in Ryan's accent like I did on my first day. That's the first thing I heard him say.

Then the next day, Ryan made Jody and Tyler come to my door and apologise. Then on that same day, we all went to the park to try to get to know each other. I was getting all of those nasty texts and it was angering Jody and Carmen.

Then Ryan came and sat beside me on the swing and waited for me to notice him before speaking to me. He saw the burn mark on my neck, so I explained everything to him about the fire. I don't know why I was so quick to trust him, but I guess it was worth it.

He looked out for me from the very beginning, even before he knew me. Even right after I had made myself look like a total idiot and acted in a mood towards everyone. For some reason he decided to try and get through to me, which looking back is weir. Very out of character for Ryan.

In reality, he tends to stay away from new kids. He doesn't like them being there in the first place, like he's fed up with them before he even meets them. But with me, he was forwards right from the start. Knowing him now, that makes me feel really special.

I shoved the sunhat in the top of the wardrobe because I didn't know what to do with it. Like seriously, where do you keep hats? I was going to get something else out to unpack, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Instead, I walked over to the big window seat and sat don, leaning against the wall, with my feet up in front of me, my hands on my knees. I started playing with the ends of my hair, remembering when Ryan used to do that when we were both really relaxed.

This room is big. Too big for one person to be sitting in on their own. It's so big, it's lonely. I hate to admit it, but I'm going to miss being woken up early. At the dumping ground, there was always someone to talk to if you needed it. And I know I have Mike and Agatha, but sometimes you just need someone your own age who will definitely understand you.

And yeah I can call them or go over to see them whenever I want, but that doesn't help me right now. I'm still in my clothes from the funeral. I wander if the others are as well. Are they all sat quietly in thought about what's happened recently, or maybe they are all totally fine.

I bet Kazima is reading a book, and Jody will be looking through a magazine. Sasha will have her headphones in, and Floss is most likely to be eating. The twins will be outside somewhere and Dexter and Archie will be playing a game of football.

Tyler is probably trying to come up with a new scheme, or trying to talk to Ryan. Chloe is probably doing the same. She and Ryan don't get on all too well, but when he is upset, she cares about it, as he does for her.

I miss him. A lot. But he isn't here.