Changed For The Better

TW: Self Portrait

Next we had art. I wasn't supposed to be in art this year. Like I wasn't meant to be taking it as an exam but here I am. Looks like someone really screwed up.

This year the class has changed, Harley is now here which is the only thing I'm noticing. Miss perfect is still here too, but right now I'm not really bothered about her. Not right now anyway.

We had a new seating plan, and through the universe deciding to vie me a break, I was sat on the same back desk I was at last year, only this time, it was just Harley and I. Everyone else was on other tables.

Normally, I would hate this. And there's a good chance I'm going to be hating this very soon, but at least he can't avoid talking to me. It will help me get through to him in a way that I wish someone had gotten through to me.

We all took our places and got out our stuff. Unlike the other lessons, our teacher who was new this year, didn't bother with the whole new year speech. Instead she just got straight into the lesson. She didn't even tell us her name.

It was the same thing you do at the start of every year in art. They give you a mirror and you have to draw a self portrait. I feel like they do this, not just to see where you stand with your art skills, but also to see how you view yourself.

As soon as I was handed the mirror, I wanted to give it back. I caught a glance of myself and hated it. The worst part is having to study your own face. All the frustrating imperfections you can't get rid of. Everything you hate is right there in front of you for all to see. And you're expected to draw it. Accurately.

I ignored that for now. Everyone was getting on with it but we weren't in silence. This is the perfect chance to talk to Harley. He's sitting opposite me with his head down, leaning over his paper as though to protect it or something.

"I'm sorry" I blurted. He looked up to me and stopped drawing. "For what I said earlier, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just, it's been a bad day and, well I didn't know about everything that happened and I'm sorry and I thought..."

"Calm down. I'm not mad"

"Oh" stupid thing to say idiot.

"It's cool. I know you didn't know, I just thought maybe we could be friends. Since mine hate me now"

"They don't hate you they just don't get it. Not many people do and it probably isn't their fault"

"What and you do?"

"So what if I do?"

"Do you?"

"Partially"

"What part?"

I sighed. "Promise you won't say anything?"

"Why would I?"

He had a point. And I knew things about him. I guess it was only fair. "I've self harmed before. And, I lost both my parents when I was about seven years old." (A/N: I think, correct me if I'm wrong).

"That must really hurt"

"It does. But of course you know that"

"Yeah" he nodded. The atmosphere became tense again.

"Do you..." I started, thinking I'm probably going to regret this later. "Do you want to eat lunch with us?"

His face literally lit up with joy. It was like I had restarted some hidden flame from deep down inside of him which suddenly made him really happy. I felt like I had made his day, but I'm pretty sure it will ruin Ryan's.

"Could I really? Are you sure your friends won't mind?"

"They won't care. They don't really pay attention to me anyway"

"Ryan does" he said almost bitterly.

"Well Ryan can deal with it. Your friends abandoning you at a time of need really isn't cool. It's not fair that you suffer on your own. Come find us. We'll probably be on that bench we're always on"

"Cool. But if you're sure. And if the others tell me to leave I will, I don't want to upset anybody"

"Well I'm sure you won't, as long as you don't go round calling us messed up care kids or whatever it was"

"That was like a year ago. I've changed since then. I realise all that was crap and it was just me trying to take my frustrations out on you guys, I don't know why. I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise, I'm over it. Just don't say it again"

"I won't. And I never really meant it in the first place"

"Well that's good to know. So I'll be seeing you at lunch?"

"Yes you will"

I smiled at him then returned to my work. I don't want to talk to him too much. Don't want it to be weird and I definitely don't want him getting the wrong idea. I just want to be nice and make a sad guy happy again.

Also, I don't want to get into trouble on the first day for not doing enough work. As much as I hate drawing myself. I decided, since they never told us not to, that I was going to do it like an abstract drawing. That way I can be as creative as I want and I can blur all the imperfections.

I started to draw the outline of my face. It's really round and I hate that, so I changed it. I didn't give it a chiselled face or anything like that, but instead I made it rounder. I emphasised the imperfection.

I don't know why really. I just felt like if I made it look worse then maybe we could see it as an abstract, weird, positive thing. Maybe it can be something we laugh at or admire, rather than something we hate.

After a good few attempts, I had the outline of the face. Good start. I looked into the mirror and decided to add my ears. Now I'm fine with my ears, so I left them roughly how they are, which looked really weird in comparison to the massive face. I hope this doesn't turn out a fail and the teacher just suddenly thinks I can't do art.

I mean I kind of can't but still. Anyway, ears are hard to draw when they aren't in proportion to the face. The bell went and I was still going with them, but obviously I had to stop. The teacher didn't look approving when she had seen how much I had done in comparison to everyone else. I had to take it home to finish as homework. Great first impression I've made there. Just brilliant.

I was then also late to my next lesson, which happened to be maths with Mr Bawing. You can see where this is going. I crept in but he obviously knew so he gave me a lunchtime detention. Apparently that was letting me off, since it was the first day.

I took my seat on my own and started copying down what was on the board. Mr Bawing never said much, he mainly just shouting and told people off for stupid things. Naturally, I had no idea what was going on or how to do the work, but since we were with Mr Bawing he never explained it to me, then yelled at me more at the end of the lesson for not doing well. This is one exam I'm going to fail.

As promised, at the end of the lesson everyone else left and I was forced to stay behind, as per usual. Mr Bawing shouted at me about being more punctual and stuff but honestly I'm so used to it by now it's actually kind of tedious.

After he had finished his rant, he sat back at his desk and started eating sardines straight out of the tin, which wasn't pleasant to watch...or smell. It put me off my food quite a bit. And then I realised something.