Changed For The Better

Coincidence

After Lunch I made sure to thank Mike and had one last attempt at getting him to join me.

"I'm sorry Marie but I just can't. I have too much work for today, but another time, I promise.

This is a shame. Like I said, the others probably want to see hum again. Or they want him to stay away forever. Could be either really. When Mike left it disrupted and upset everyone, but I don't know if the sadness has become anger.

I kind of wanted Mike to come as a distraction. The others would focus on him and not me, and Ryan and I could spend some time on our own to talk.

Now though I might have to catch up with other people first, and Ryan will be there and see me. I hope it doesn't make him angry with me. I know it would annoy me, having to watch my girlfriend talk to a load of other people before me after her not speaking to me for ages.

I still can't text him and tell him I'm coming though. Not because I want to surprise him particularly but because if I tell him I'm going then he might tell me not to. And I can't deal with that, but I also wouldn't blame him.

I have been horrible recently. I've ignored everyone, and not only that but I have actively avoided them. I chose not to see him which is stupid because I really really want to see him again, but something inside me stopped me from doing so.

But not now. For now I am going to be a good person for pretty much the first time since I left. I hope he isn't out like I said, that would really set me back. If there is a reason as to why I can't see him, that will probably just  put me off trying to see him again.

I did the washing up after lunch and left Mike to do the drying. I didn't stop or sit down because that would give me time to think. And thinking is dangerous and I've had way more to think recently than I should have had. And maybe that is the route of the problem.

I went straight upstairs and grabbed my phone without turning it on or looking at the screen. I only have it for safety reasons. If there is some sort of disaster I can call for help. Or if Ryan actually isn't there, then I can do the next best thing which is texting him, even though that isn't the ideal scenario.

I grabbed my converse and tied them up on my feet before getting my coat and zipping it up, with my phone in it's pocket. I briefly said goodbye to Mike. He was busy in the office again so I just let him know I was leaving basically.

I didn't know what time I would be back, but he said if it gets dark he wants me to call him and let him know I am okay and tell him what my plans are from that point onward. I don't think I will be out for too long any way. Even if I do get a chance to speak to Ryan, there won't be that much leading up to the words "I want to break up with you" coming from Ryan.

I tried not to think of that. I quickly walked out of the house and began to speed walk down the pavement. I massively underestimated how cold it is out here right now. I can see my breath and could do with a thicker coat, a hat and a pair of gloves. But I've gone too far to turn back and I am on a mission.

It isn't a long walk to get to the dumping ground, but on the reasonably short walk there, it dawned on me that since I didn't let anyone know that I am coming, I don't know who will answer the door. It will just be whoever is on door duty and unless it's Ryan, I will end up having to catch up with everyone else before having my chat with him.

I've dug a hole basically, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Well, I'm not sure about that but I can't think about that now. I don't even know for sure if he is going to be there. Or maybe they will all be eating lunch when I arrive, that will be awkward.

I reached into my pocket as I speed walked along. I wrapped my hand around my phone and pulled it out of my pocket. I pressed the home button and looked down for the time. Just as I looked down, I turned the corner and crashed straight into someone.

"Sorry!" we both said in unison as I looked up.

Are you serious?

Standing there, looking back at me, equally as confused, was Ryan. We just sort of stared at each other for a few seconds. I was surprised that he was there. He looked shocked to see me too. He almost looked like he was in shock to see that I was outside the house in the first place. This is really awkward.

"Hey" he said eventually, breaking the silence.

"Hi" I replied, very awkwardly. Awkwardness was not part of the plan.

"What are you up to?" He asked, straightening up and putting his hands into his pockets.

"Coming to see you'" I said, sort of shyly.

"Same" he chuckled. "I wanted to see you, it's been so long" he said sadly, which made me feel really guilty.

"Yeah, sorry about that"

"It's okay"

"Can we talk?" I asked. Instantly a look of fear rose to his face. "Not like that! Or at leas that isn't what I wanted to say. Look, I just feel like I need to explain myself for what has happened recently"

"What do you mean what has happened recently?"

"Oh you know, just me being a really bad girlfriend and stuff"

"You haven't been a really bad girlfriend..."

"Ryan, you don't need to sugar coat this one. We need to be honest, and that is why I was coming to see you. So where did you say you were going?"

"I was going over to yours. I was thinking that if I went to your house and spoke to you face to face, you wouldn't be able to..make any more excuses."

There was another moment of silence. I knew what I had done, but for some reason it was harder to hear it from someone else.

"We need to talk" I said.

"Yeah. Do you want to go somewhere?"

"Actually, yeah. I have a good place." I said after a moment of thought.

"Well, lead the way"