Changed For The Better

The Chosen One

"I choose Mr and Mrs Milligan"I said, instantly feeling a wave or relief rush over me.

He took the papers from my hand and smiled at me. "I had a hunch you would go for that one"

With that he left with the papers, assumedly to arrange a meeting, or at least to tell Mai Lee. I quickly turned to Ryan.

"What if this is all a massive mistake? What if it goes wrong and I end up getting hurt again, or...or even worse...!"

"Stop. Marie, you're going to be fine. I'll be here through it all, and, if you decide you don't want to live with them or feel uncertain about anything, you can come back here and no harm will be done. You won't be forced into doing anything you really don't want to do"

"Stop it"

"What?"

"Making me want to stay here"

"I'm not. I'm just saying, if worst comes to worst then here is always an option"

"Yeah but when you say that it makes me want to not leave you behind and no live without you and that makes me want to stay"

"Stop thinking about me! This is for you, what you want"

I couldn't help but wonder if this really was what I want. Yes I want to be fostered, or at least get away from here. But it won't be long until I leave anyway. But, I've come this far. I have to see it through, even if it isn't what I want to do in the end, because that's okay. It's okay to change your mind as many times as you like.

"Yeah, I know" i said after a moment of contemplation. "Sorry it's just, it's all happening so fast"

"You have the control here don't forget. If you want then they can slow this whole thing down. You just have to let them know"

"I know. Thanks Ryan, I really don't deserve you" I said as I hugged him and nuzzled into him again.

"Don't say that!"

"Well, it's true."

"What makes you think that somebody as amazing pretty and talented as you, doesn't deserve someone like me? Another average guy?"

"You're not average! And besides, I'm just a drama magnet. I make things worse, don't pretend you don't know it"

"I don't have to pretend. Come on, I thought you were getting through this, I thought maybe now you were starting to see how good you are. Why can't you see it? It hurts me that you can't see it"

"That's what I mean! I'm hurting you just by being here"

"No that isn't what I meant. I meant it hurts that you can't see how amazing you are. I can see it, I promise you you are, why can't you just believe me?"

"Because no matter how much I try to believe you, I just can't Ryan. I see myself differently to the way you see me. I can see what's inside. You can't. Everyone has a chapter they don't read out loud. Mine, well, mine makes me not like me very much"

"Well I like you, no I love you."

"And that's enough for me. Just please don't be mad when I din't feel the same way about myself"

"But you should..."

"Ryan if I asked you to write a list of all the things you love, would your name be in there?"

"No but yours would be right at the top" he smiled.

"But that's my point. Nobody loves themselves, and if you think about it it's a vicious cycle to be trapped in. If you don't love yourself then you're attention seeking or insecure, if you do then you're arrogant and boastful. There's no way you can go without someone disliking you for it"

"Well who cares about everyone else? Let's just think of us for today, and worry about everyone else when we need to. For now, I'm going to go and get some hot chocolates while you get yourself cozy in the blanket. I think we need some downtime"

I nodded, he was right. I need some time to just relax and take a time out from life for a bit. I always forget how important it is to look after yourself, and how much it can be hard to forget to tell others to care for themselves.

That is one of the things that amazes me about Ryan. Somehow, even when he is down or isn't in a good mood, he will still always make sure I am okay before worrying about himself. Like today for example, he doesn't want me to leave, and he wants to make sure that I'm sure I want to leave.

Then, when he knew I was totally serious, he helped me. It isn't what he wants but because he knows it's what I want, he helped me get there. I mean yeah all we did was choose which couple, and thinking about it now it was a pretty obvious choice. 

I don't know why I got so overwhelmed. Yes it's a bit decision, but it isn't the be all and end all of my life. It's just a decision to make now, to influence my near future. Luke could arrange a day trip or a visit, I could hate it and change my mind and that would be the end of it.

But then the next day would come and we could try again. I could try again. Or if I changed my mind I wouldn't have to do it at all. Ryan reminded me, I have control. These families want me. I had the opportunity to choose whichever of them I wanted to, none of them had any say. They won't have even been told about other couples also applying.

Thinking about it, I am so glad Mike was one of the applicants. What would I have done if Luke made me choose today, which he did, but Mike wasn't an option? There would have been no playing it safe. No, meeting someone I already knew, but trying something different.

I would have had to choose one of the other, more boring couples. I know choosing none of them was an option too, but I know the system, I know that if I didn't choose any of them today then Luke wouldn't have tried so are to find me any others. Out of fear that I would just say no to everyone. He might have even taken me off the fostering network without telling me.

Either way, for now it is sorted. All I can do is wait to find out when I get to meet up with Mike and his wife. I imagine Mike's wife is lovely. I don't think he would marry anyone who didn't have a full and loving heart. I can't picture him with anyone horrible or rude or mean or anything. I hope not anyway.

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A/N

My school was literally on fire today. Sounds awesome, wasn't. We had to stand outside for almost an hour, and the fire was above me, so when I left my classroom as the alarm went off there was smoke everywhere. It doesn't smell nice like you would expect it to.

They didn't even send us home for the day afterwards either.