Changed For The Better

TW: I know

I collapsed on the floor in tears. I couldn't see. I couldn't breath. My lungs were burning. My phone fell onto the ground near me. All sound nearby faded. It was quiet around me.

I know Luke came in. I know the others were as horrified as me. I know the younger ones had to leave the room. I know Ryan helped me get to my feet. I know having no sleep wasn't the worst pain I felt that day.

I screamed. I screamed until I couldn't scream any more. This is my fault. That building was so high. I don't know he got up there. I do know that he didn't survive that fall.

I know Luke was standing above me. I know Ryan was also standing above me. I know I was crying. I know I was screaming. I know everything went black.

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We didn't go to school that day. The younger ones did, but we didn't. It was perhaps a few hours later. I had woken up in the quiet room but I didn't wan to peak to anyone. I sat alone on the windowsill, watching the rain outside. It seemed fitting.

I feel nothing.

I played with my hair with a pillow on my lap. As far as I know the others are all in the lounge, calmly talking. Reflecting. I couldn't bring myself to face them.

I know it's my fault he died. That's what he told me. he said that i was to blame. Nobody else knows that though. Nobody else could hear that phone call. Nobody else knows that this is all my fault.

I am a monster. He wasn't the best person, but I pushed him to the point where he killed himself. He took his own life. He didn't want to live. Not only that, but he wanted to die so badly that he did. He wanted his life to end because of me.

And I know this isn't about me. Not at all. But that doesn't stop me from blaming myself. How can I have become like this? When did I become such a bad person? Or have I always been such a bad person? Maybe it's best if I just join Harley and his Mum.

That's what he said isn't it. the last thing he ever said: "I'm going to see my Mum now. I'm going to get rid of the pain. This is you, all you"

It makes me feel sick to think that my voice was the last he ever heard. It makes me feel sick to know that I'm the last person to hear his voice, the only person who heard his last words. It hurts me to know that he thought this life was pain, and that ending life was the only way to end the pain.

There was a knock at the door. I turned my head and watched as Ryan slowly opened the door. This is his room too, he didn't need to knock. He was holding a plate covered in foil, and a glass of juice.

"you didn't get any breakfast, and the others are having lunch now. I didn't think you would want to sit down with everyone else, so Luke said I could bring some up to you"

"I'm not hungry"

He sighed and put it down on the side. "Well, try and have some later than"

I stayed silent. How is he still so...not happy. He isn't happy. But somehow he is doing fine. As if he was reading my mind, he came and sat down on the window sill beside me, resting his arm over my shoulder.

"Look, whatever Harley said to you, you can't blame yourself..."

"But it's my fault"

"No it isn't. Marie, he was depressed. These things happen..."

"Not like this it doesn't!" I yelled, shrugging his arm off me. "He was depressed, I get that but you don't know what he said! I made it worse Ryan! It's my fault he died and it's my fault he did this!"

"Marie calm down you're going to end up panicking again..."

"Well I deserve to!" I yelled as I jumped up and started pacing frantically. "He said it himself Ryan! His last words...his last words..."

Ryan engulfed me in a hug as I cried and collapsed into his arms. He slowly sat on the ground so that he was sitting down and I was leaning into him. He had his arms round me and was rocking me gently. Trying to calm me down.

"He said, what he said...the last..."

"Ssshhh Marie, honey, calm down you'll make yourself sick"

I sniffled and took my head off Ryan. I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. I know I have to face this. I know I have to learn to live with it.

"His last words, to me, to the entire world, were 'this is you, all you'" Then I broke down again. I crumbled right there in front of Ryan. He cradled me again, but said nothing. I know I have changed his mind. I know he blames me now. And he has every right to.

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Ryan's POV

Once Marie was calm again, I left her alone. I can see she needs time by herself, so would I if I were in her position. I want to be strong for her. To be strong so that she doesn't have to be.

But I admit, as soon as I was out of that room, I began to cry. Not a lot, but I did. How is she going to live with that? I know this isn't about Marie, and she isn't trying to make it about her.

But I don't know how she is going to cope, knowing that he blames himself for what lead to his death. I know that I'll be there for her, and I don't blame her. I think Harley relied on her way too much. I think that none of this should have ever happened.

I dried my eyes, and went back down to the lounge. I can't tell the others what Marie just told me, they would never speak to her the same way again. All I can do is get Jody and the rest of them to leave her alone. This has come like a big smack in the face and reminded us all of the insignificance of everything.­