Changed For The Better

And the winner is...

"Ok so could number one are boring sound like no fun and an absolute nightmare" I said.

"And couple two live on the other side of the country..." Ryan continued.

"And couple three both play the banjo and go on tours supporting bands and playing their weird music" I sighed. "None of them sound like normal parents."

"Well surely you don't have to go out with any of them if you don't want to"

"I don't" I said.

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know. I guess deep down I was hoping that I could meet the parents of my dreams and go somewhere other than here"

"Do you hate it here?"

"I hate it here when I'm not with you"

"But you're always with me"

"I know...that's not what I meant it came our wrong. I can't stand living with the others, I need to be away from them"

"So you really want to leave?"

"Yeah" I said, uncertain in my head. "Like I said, why?"

"I kind of thought, well I hoped, you only agreed to get fostered because you were angry in the moment. Then when you calmed down I hoped you would go and tell Luke that you didn't mean it and out a stop to the whole thing"

"That isn't going to happen Ryan"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. But I want you to be a part of it. You know, I want your help when choosing the people I meet, and then you have to meet them at some point too and tell me if there's any problems. Can I trust you to do that?"

"Of course you can" he said, wrapping his arms around me. "And I promise to be completely unbiased to the fact that I don't want to see you leave"

"Thanks. But I'm thinking about meeting one of these couples"

"Why? You don't want to be fostered by any of them do you?"

"No. But it's an easy pass to a day out"

"But we'll be back at school by then"

"Exactly. I could do with a break"

"Well, which one are you gonna choose?"

"I dunno they all sound dismal. I might just ignore it all for now and think about it later."

"Don't put it off for too long"

"I know, but there's also no need to rush it. I'll happily spend as much time here with you for now, it's just the others I want to be away from. Oh yeah speaking of the others, don't tell them about the whole, potential parents thing. Luke doesn't want them knowing that there are parents on the market. You know what people here are like"

"Okay I won't"

We continued to look through the information packs again, as if something were going to change. Obviously it was just the same boring people with the same boring faces. Eventually Mai Lee called us down for dinner. I had forgotten I was in my pyjamas as I intended to change again, but since we were out of time to change I just shoved on one of Ryan's hoodies. They're so much bigger than me so it covered up my pyjamas pretty well.

We headed down to dinner and it was strangely quiet. Like, nobody really said anything yet everybody was there. The twins didn't look very happy and the kitchen was a mess, and still kind of smelled like smoke.

Mai Lee had made some vegetable bake pasta cheesy thing. I have no idea what it was called but it was really nice. Again, nobody was saying anything. Everyone was just uncomfortable staring around the room, waiting for someone else to say something. Have I missed something here?

Luke was sat at the head of the table as he always was, and he could obviously sense the awkward atmosphere, so he started the conversation that none of us wanted to hear.

"So, school starts tomorrow. Is everyone ready?"

There was a collective groan round the table. Of course we weren't ready, what kind of a stupid question is that? No matter how ready for the new year you feel, you wake up on the day and suddenly regret your entire existence. Specially in our school.

On telly, school looks great. The only drama is fun drama, lessons are nice and simple and nobody ever seems to be stressed about anything. In real life, you can't even make it through the first lesson without having some sort of mini breakdown.

"I like school" said Floss matter of factly.

"Shut up Floss" Jody spat.

"Jody!" Mai Lee scolded.

"Sorry(!)" she said sarcastically. I wonder what's got her so wound up. I've definitely missed something here.

"So none of you are looking forward to it then?" Luke asked. Nobody answered. "So nobody likes school? Not even a bit?"

"No nobody likes school" I said. "It sucks and it's sad and it's a place where innocent children are sent because adults like to see us suffer"

"Oh come on it's not that bad is it?"

"Worse" Sasha confirmed.

"Well, college is great& Carmen gloated. "We only have lessons a few times a week, and even then the classes are nice and small. We can work with who we want, have whatever we want for lunch, and..."

"Yeah we get it Carmen. College is great" spat Ryan. "Now shut up about it yeah?"

"Aww is Ryan jealous?" Taunted Tee.

"Leave him alone! I defended.

"Aww, is Marie standing up for her boyfriend?" Jeered Tee. "That's cute"

"Not that you'd know anything about it" I retaliated. "You've never even had a boyfriend"

"Maybe I don't want one"

"I think it's clear you do"

"Enough you two" Luke yelled, shutting us up. Honestly he's such a spoil sport.

We finished dinner, and there was no dessert since Ryan and I had a food fight and the twins burnt the muffins. Yeah people weren't exactly thrilled at that news.

After dinner I went back upstairs while everyone else, including Ryan, stayed downstairs for a final, early, movie night. Honestly, I just want to go to bed and imagine today had never happened.

Not that I want tomorrow to come any quicker, because trust me, I don't, but I just don't want today either. Do you ever feel like not existing? Not in a suicidal way, but you just sort of don't want to read, or watch tv, or go to sleep, or socialise or just do anything?

Like the mere act of existence dulls you and makes you want it to end, even though in general life is good? That's how I feel now. I feel like not existing would be nicer than life happening. But I guess if we didn't have days like these we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good days we have.

I gave Ryan his hoodie back, well I hung it back in his wardrobe. Then I brushed my teeth and got into bed. It's only, like, seven, but we have to be up early tomorrow, and then we'll get so much homework we won't have chance to sleep properly for the next eight weeks, might as well get ahead while I have the chance.