What if this is me?
What if this is my mind slowly deteriorating?
What if this is my brain slowly changing?
What if this is me slowly fading?
Like a person in a self induced coma,
Not dead,
But slowly dying.
What if this is me?
What if I am changing?
Sometimes I just feel as though I'm in my own head.
Like time is spinning fast,
And still moving slow.
I lay and stare at the unmoving cealing.
And I still get dizzy as if I am moving.
My head feels empty most of the time.
My body, numb.
My eyes are becoming emptier day by day,
And nobody sees it but me.
My smile fools all fools.
It's a pity everyone has become one.
It's not about how nobody or somebody would be sad if I were gone.
It's about how I am not happy even though I am not alone.
I feel like every moment up until now has been a plot of my death.
I feel like every imagine in my head was my hope of an end.
Different to this.
I feel like every note, every lyric, every song and every poem,
Has been a long awaited suicide note.
Apart from the many that I've already wrote.
Or written, which ever you deem fit.
I'm not me anymore and I don't understand how nobody sees it.
People are always warned and told to look for the signs of depression and only, in me, nobody sees it.
Doctors, therapists, family, friends.
They see the same person who's been here before.
The girl they know slowly started to disappear at age 11,
And it took me 6 years to finally catch up.
5, to realise the difference.
3, for it to get worse.
2 years to understand.
And 1 to get stuck in my head.
I dropped the barbies.
Dropped the act.
The change started to take place at eleven years old.
And you know what's worse?
After age eleven, it only took me 7 years to no longer be afraid of death.
And 8 years to want to quit.
I'm not the same.
How does no one recognize the change?
From happy to sad.
From good to bad.
What if it happens?
What if they're too late?
What if?
What if?
What if?
(December 13, 2017 )
