You're mistaken,
I've been trying to talk myself out of this.
You've got it wrong,
I used to think that I'd never be weak like this.
I guess I lied,
I said I'd wait,
I said I'd try.
Oh what a shame, I couldn't do that.
I'm a simple failure.
A little mistake.
A small statistic.
Why?
Cause I never got the chance.
I wanted to try, I wanted to be so many great things.
I wanted to live,
But I was only dying.
If anybody ever notices my depression,
It will have already been too late.
I just know it,
and that's the hardest part.
I'm so depressed,
Nobody can tell.
You'd think,
Having had a cousin who committed suicide,
They'd want to look for the signs.
That they'd want to know,
Cause you never know who the next one might be.
You'd want to prevent it now,
Like you couldn't then.
Dear God,
I am so sorry for feeling this way,
But if you're really so fucking real,
Not that I have my doubts,
Then why the fuck do you let me feel this way.
They say,
And it's funny,
But they say you control all people's paths,
And that the devil only puts thoughts in your head.
They say you've already set out our life's plan,
Yet they contrast it.
By saying,
If you commit suicide,
You're doomed to hell,
Yet God is so fucking great?
So you're great?
You planned my life before I was born?
I killed myself?
And that's my fault?
I just changed your plans, right?
Of for fuck sake,
People are cruel and they've put these ideas in my head.
So the devil is human now?
Well then,
Why do you still believe in God
If you're gonna be so contradicting?
You know,
About your beliefs.
He's good,
And has planned your life.
Yet,
The devil who had no control...
Took complete control of your life by putting a thought there?
A thought that didn't belong?
And wasn't in God's plan?
Yes,
I'm talking in circles.
But I'm pretty sure you caught on.
So I'll believe in one thing.
When I die today,
I'm going home to a God who planned my life.
The suicides that work are meant to happen.
To take you home.
God wanted you back early,
And the ones that don't?
Well those are testers for you.
So I suggest you,
Don't fail.
I know I've failed you so many times.
(January 11, 2018)
