I know in some ways I may have been the reason for my death.
For my depressions.
I know in some ways I caused this.
I have done this to myself.
But honestly, I am not the reason I started doing it in the first place.
I hadn't just sat down one day and decided, 'okay today I'm going to make my life a little bit harder for myself'.
That was not a decision of mine.
I hadn't set out to be this way.
It might seem like a choice but it never was a choice.
It was a series of actions and emotions which lead to me doing what I've done to myself.
I never used to not care.
I never used to be lazy.
I just got tired.
Fatigued.
Because of my pain.
Because of every single pain which lead up to me being the destructive mess I am today.
I am my own fault but I am a fault derived of you.
Sad.
Hurt.
Broken.
That's what made me what I am today.
Who I am today.
You see, being tired changes you.
And not just the being physically tired.
That actually doesn't have an affect on you,
Not until you're emotionally tired.
Cause when your body is tired, you can still function properly.
But the moment your mind is tired.
That's when you fall apart and you fall to pieces.
I never used to be the way I am right now.
I never used stay up till morning because I couldn't bring my body to sleep because I'm even too lazy to do that.
To take care of my body.
To make sure that I am physically healthy.
I never used to be this way, but the world has made me this way.
And I was just the fuel to the fire that was already burning.
When I started to torment myself, I was already this way.
(April 06, 2018)
