I'm so tired.
I just don't want to wake up anymore.
I don't want to do anything anymore.
I sang today.
And now I don't even want to do that anymore.
I'm so tired and I don't want to make the effort to live anymore.
It's all paid for and I feel like I'm just a waste of space already so wasting a bit of your money doesn't seem like such a big deal to me.
You'll get it back.
Some day.
But I'll never get me back.
I'm not going to be the same ever again.
I don't even know if I want to be anything anymore because I'm tired of waiting.
And I know I'm a drama queen.
I get it.
I do.
But I just, I'm sorry that I even have to be sorry about the eay I feel.
And you guys probably won't understand this.
But you don't even see it and I don't blame you.
Because I'm really good at hiding it.
And that's partially my fault.
So I find it hard to actually blame you at all.
But I can't do this to myself anymore.
I can't lie.
I can't pretend.
I'm so tired of lying already that I don't even want to hide it anymore.
I feel like the next time I'm in a class or choir group meeting where we gather and sing,
I'll just exit.
Walk out of the class.
Stand up. And leave.
Because I want to be alone and the teacher calling my name can just forget I exist.
Because I already have.
I've forgotten who I am and soon I'll cease to exist.
Just like I have many many years ago.
I'll proceed to disappear.
I'll fall to my knees and whisper how I can't do it anymore.
I'll apologise for not singing further, but then I'll just sit there.
On the ground on my knees with no hope on my breath and a heavy weight on my chest.
And you'll see it in my eyes for the first time ever.
The hopelessness that I've developed since the very first day of my depression phase.
That's first moment.
Where you'll see I was just a ghost.
That you never knew me at all.
That the girl you knew this whole time was a fake,
A false version of something that used to be bright and vibrant.
And maybe you'll use hope.
Maybe you'll yell.
Maybe you'll cry.
But either way, you'll know.
You'll know I can't do this anymore.
You'll know I'm not me anymore.
I was once.
At a time.
But not anymore.
