It's not that I don't want to be happy
It's that despite, how hard I try
I can't bring myself to be happy
I feel
suffocated,
embarrassed,
ashamed,
Why did I have to be this way?
I've a great family,
amazing friends,
good academic results,
on paper everything is okay
Yet all I seem to see is sadness and grey
It's like there's this burden on me
pulling me to the ground
and however hard I try I can't bring myself out
I can't bring myself to care
about anything
not me,
not him,
not her,
Living had become this constant nightmare.
And it's just not fair.
Society will tell me to try yoga,
go for a walk,
listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved
by exercise or meditation.
It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life,
my work, my relationships, my education
And to this day
despite my best efforts to explain
I am always met with blind hesitation.
People ask me
"Why are you always so sad?"
I tell them I don't know...
I don't know
What I do know
is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolute shit
and that that's become my norm.
I'm afraid of the world,
I afraid to put my guard down
in the fer that I will be judged
for something I cannot control
Where's the fairness of it all?
Do you think I like to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe
So I hide them
I put up a wall
That is so high,
you will never see my pain or any of my flaws
I create this character
and she is perfect,
she's invincible.
And so I carry on these two lives,
one for the public
and one just for me late at night
'Cause that's easier than admitting I have a problem
and that's the problem.
The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise
that mental health IS a big deal.
It's a hidden disease that affects so many lives,
wake up and listen to the silent cries
It's a kid who never speaks
or the man who's always tired,
The woman who's too emotional
the guy who just got fired
'Cause he was absent a lot
he couldn't get himself out of bed due to his entail health
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that
'Course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me
and it eats me up.
Daily.
