A moment of silence,
For all the times that I've cried.
For all the fights I hide,
Between my hands and my arms.
Or my lungs and my body.
For all the wrongs I had right,
For the imperfection that's my life.
I apologise for my mind,
It was much darker than my memory.
Much darker than the night,
And more darker than my life.
For all the lies I would tell,
And the secrets I'd sow.
I'm sorry for the times I would fight,
I left you pissed every night.
For running out of time,
When I had a second hand left.
For my friends.
For my thoughts.
For my issues.
For your problems.
For the shut outs and 'shut ups'.
For my untold story,
My songs, and my memory.
I deeply regret that I regretted nothing.
That this thought didn't cross my mind,
Or when it did, it just passed by and I continued with what I was doing.
Yes, indeed.
A moment of silence for that.
My moment of weakness.
God I wish I could apologise, but you know... apologies mean nothing, since no one's really satisfied with that.
Some want me here,
That's all that matters.
Some are so angry.
But that doesn't make them any less sadder.
Some didn't even flinch when they heard the news.
Some couldn't even bat an eyelash.
Some simply, not bothered.
But as I've said before, it's not the apology that most of you want.
It's me
And for those of you who don't care,
Well, okay then.
For not being enough.
For crying myself to sleep.
For lying in bed and thinking I was not good enough.
For feeling worthless and utterly useless.
For the pictures on my wall,
And the lights that may remind you.
When they flicker and they shine,
When they glitter and fade.
When they smile like I did.
And they die everytime.
Let's have a moment of silence for the people I left behind.
My nieces and nephews,
They each crossed my mind.
The people who truly kept me here,
Though little
and small.
Tall and agressive, innocent and precious.
Princesses and Princes.
Angels. Six of them.
My friend who tried to talk me out of this.
Probably more than one but no more than two.
Girls, this is my suicide note to you.
Thank you for talking, and preaching, laughing, chilling, crying.
Being friends and sometimes foes,
We had our moments, though it never faltered.
The love you two had and so we'd always manage.
And all of the new ones I started to make,
I'm sorry you didn't get to see my bad side, I'm also glad it's too late.
By the time you came along I was already stone cold.
I learnt how to act, nobody could tell.
I mean hey, I'm dead now,
Can you tell?
Fuck.
I was suicidal.
I should probably keep this PG 13.
Or maybe just PG for the little ones.
In case they get older and want to understand.
Oh for the little ones, the six.
You must have noticed how much I'm faltering on them, haven't you?
I don't want to hurt them, but this hurt is too strong now.
It's practically blinding me.
For all of my care givers.
I'm sorry.
Everyone who looked after me.
Mothered and Fathered.
I'm so sorry. But it's not my fault.
I had wished you'd see. But nobody did.
And I don't blame you,
cause if I wasn't dead,
I'd be an actress and probably success.
That's how good I was at lying, you know.
I even managed to completely fool myself.
For the secrets.
For the battles.
The lies.
The wars.
The tears.
Oh the scars that never really got to scar. Just raw.
Open.
Flesh.
To heal.
A moment of silence for me
And a moment of silence for you.
For each and every person I've come into contact with.
For whom I meant something.
For the ones I a possible didn't.
The scratch. The tiny dent.
The thing that doesn't phase you.
I'm sorry.
(January 12, 2018)
