If you do not want for me, what I want for me then I do not see a point in giving either of us what we want.
You never understood it, you never understood me.
You never understood anything.
Because if you really did understand, we wouldn't be in this position. You wouldn't be completely oblivious to my suicidal tendencies. And I wouldn't be feeling said suicidal tendencies.
You wouldn't be telling me to settle for less, to go for what's here and I wouldn't be feeling angry or upset everytime you don't get it or understand why I want this.
You wouldn't be encouraging me to do something I don't want to do, something that won't make me happy just so that it won't hurt your pocket or be easier for you.
And no mom, you weren't the only one to discourage me or to not understand that this was what I need because it would make me happy. The kind of happy that I needed. No mom, you were not the only one.
But you were the only one who mattered.
So I am incredibly sorry if you couldn't do this one thing for me, even though you didn't know why, I'm sorry that you couldn't do something that would've made me happy.
Because honest to God, heaven knows it was the last shot.
The only thing keeping me here now, is my hope to get to the place where I feel at home. The place where my heart is, the place that I belong to.
You'll never get it, but don't worry because neither had I. I never understood why I was drawn to the place I thought of as my home. And I don't blame you for not understanding.
I'm just sorry you didn't. I'm sorry that you didn't understand.
So I hope you do forgive me, sincerely your daughter.
Your friend.
Your whatever I am to whoever is reading this.
If you didn't get it, if you discouraged the idea by telling me to settle for what makes you happy, I'm sorry.
Because Lord knows, one of us has to be sorry here. And you were never gonna take the blame anyway.
That and I hate blaming even though most of what I say comes off as a blame.
I don't blame you.
I'm just sorry.
Sorry for my dreams.
Sorry for my future.
Sorry for my plans and what I could never amount to.
Sorry for me.
Sorry for my future.
Sorry what I've done.
Sorry for now.
(April 12, 2018)
