You know you've made a mistake when the last words you had said to me, were angry.
You know you've made a mistake when the last words you had said to me, were long ago.
But that's okay, I don't blame you because life does that sometimes.
And it's nobody's fault.
I know I made a mistake when I cut too deep that last time.
And my arms didn't drip like they usually had, they pour instead.
But it's okay, because we'd make those mistakes everytime.
Humans a very strange creatures.
Mistakes are errors we learn from, yet we do it again when the pressure is too much and we forget.
I know I wasn't a mistake, but I sure felt like one.
I know I wasn't a problem child.
But I had so many problems and I'm sorry I couldn't just deal with them.
They say suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to the next one.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going to have to go through.
But don't ask me to be sorry for the things I'm not sorry for.
Don't ask me to be sorry for leaving.
Because I'm not.
It's the one thing that's made me happy when I couldn't anymore.
When you couldn't anymore.
And I don't think you ever realised that.
I don't think you knew how unhappy I was.
And that's not even my reason anymore.
It was once.
But now it's just fuel to the fire that's been burning for so long.
And if you ever want to see me again, if you ever feel the need to find me, to touch me, to feel me, to mourn me.
Then look up at the night sky.
I'm amongst the stars.
Look up at the day sky when there are plenty of clouds scatter across it.
I'm the many different pictures you can find.
Look up at the dark and gloomy sky when you stand outside in the rain with no hoodie on.
Just you.
I am the roar of the angry thunder and the light of the sky.
I am in you.
If you ever want to find me.
Go for a drive and look out at the city lights.
I promise you, I may be gone.
But my presence will always be in each of these places because that's something that made me happy.
It made me feel peace.
These things were everything I never had but had at the same time.
They'll help you feel what I felt.
Serenity.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Safe.
Lost.
Broken.
Insecure.
Angry.
But most of all beautiful.
Because there's always a beauty in a destruction process.
It's a beautiful destruction.
It's a mistake.
(April 16, 2018)
