I picture myself dying.
I picture myself floating, mid air.
I feel as though I'm fading.
Painted walls turning lighter, silent halls growing quieter.
Happy people getting sadder.
I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel like I'm floating.
The feeling of your stomach dipping right before you dive into a pool.
An ocean.
Off of a cliff.
That's me.
I feel like I'm not even real anymore.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I feel lost.
I. Feel. Lost.
I feel...
Lost.
I.
feel.
lost.
I'm the space between a space.
I'm dead and I'm alive.
I'm breathing.
But I'm not living anymore.
I don't think I ever really was,
Living I mean.
We're born to live and then die at some point.
I've been dying since I was born.
I wasn't meant for this life.
I feel like I've cheated my way here.
With the help of doctors and today's technology.
Without out that I would have been dead.
You're so worried about God's work and people doing God's work for him.
Murderers taking lives.
Doctors saving lives.
How is that any different to saving lives.
It's your job.
How do you know it's God's will.
Just because it's your job.
We're all doing God's work for him.
So what if I'm just another murderer.
You're still just another saviour.
I wish I died when I was supposed to.
Maybe that's why I feel the need to die now.
Cause you didn't let it happen.
Doctor.
Now look at how weak my lungs are.
They're so weak,
They don't work anymore.
I'm lost,
And saving me doesn't count.
Not when you can't find me first.
I'm lost.
I am lost.
31st december 2017
