I've never wanted to kill myself as much as I do right now, and the truth is, it's not even because something's happened to me. It's just the simple fact that I don't like my life anymore. I don't like myself anymore. I don't like the people in my life. And even though I love many people, that can't even bring me to stay. Not because I don't care but simply because I'm tired of caring.
I know, how can you get tired of caring about someone, right?
Well honestly, I don't know And to tell you the truth I don't know much these days.
And the sad part about killing myself is, that when I do it I'll be doing it because it's something I wanted to do. I don't even think I'll be crying, but if I do, it won't be because I'm unhappy it'll be because I'm leaving you upset and unhappy even though I'll still decide to go through with it anyway.
I'm empty okay.
I'm so empty I can't feel a thing.
I need things to evoke emotions in me in order for me to feel something.
That's why I read books.
To cry, to laugh.
To get angry, to get sad.
To be happy, to feel mad.
I don't feel anything anymore.
I don't feel I just understand.
So if you had to ask me if I thought something was wrong to do,
I would simply agree that it is because that's what I used to know.
That's what I used to believe, that's what I used to understand.
And that's the way I used to feel.
I base my "emotions" off of memory.
I don't truly feel anymore.
I'm numb.
And I'm sick of being numb, I'm trying to cry because I know what this is. I know what this is turning into and although I'm not going to say it right now. I'll probably admit it in the end, where it's necessary.
I'll probably feel different tomorrow (later today) but just to be sure, I'm not going to be signing off this note, I'm going to keep writing it.
That's okay.
I'll write this until it's finish because this was a good start and it's okay.
What can I say, my mind is running empty and I don't really have much I want to say anymore.
Just that at this point I really wanna die.
You know?
I keep picturing a gun to my head and me pulling the trigger. I keep seeing myself with my wrists slit. I feel overdosing or drowning myself in the bathtub.
I don't know, all I know is that I just want to be dead. I don't want to be alive.
When will it ever be a good time to take your life?
It's never a good time and I don't think you really choose your time.
It may seem like it, but you can't possibly choose.
Let's say someone planned to die today, if somebody came along and said the right thing, they'd stay.
The right thing isn't the thing where they decided it was the right thing too late. The right thing is something that actually has the power to change your mind or push you further off the edge.
