Mom. That look you gave me. It was the last one you gave me. You're my mother, you should have felt how close I was to death. You know, mother's instinct. A mother always knows when her baby is in danger. Or are you that much subdued to that instinct as you are to emotions as well?
I'd have wished you gave me a smile once at least. It probably wouldn't change your mind, but I at least wouldn't want you to regret your last moments with me. Oh well there's still a couple of hours for you to change and smile at me. Or crack a joke or whatever.
Anyways.
It's disturbing. My feelings, I can't stand to be alive any longer. But I'm hanging on. For a little while longer.
I actually don't want to be alive tomorrow.
I'm not trying back this time.
I've actually had enough.
I feel bad you know, for everybody.
The fact that I'm letting them go through this. All of their plans for tomorrow are about to be ruined and all because of me.
There's not much more that I can say to you guys anymore.
If reading these words haven't killed you yet, I'm sorry everyone.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I apologise to everyone even some people whom I haven't mentioned.
And now that I've apologise to everyone.
There's one person that I haven't apologised to yet that actually should mention.
I'm sorry Christen Anthea Newman, born July 6 1998. Daughter of Anthea and Stanley Newman.
I'm sorry for the pain I've put you through and you had to feel. I'm sorry for the tears you had to cry. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel. I'm sorry you had to die. Jesus Christ I'm sorry, Christen. Your life sucker so much it drove you to this point. I'm sorry to everyone in your life. I'm sorry to you. I wished so many times that there would somehow be something to completely change your mind. Someone to finally realize. Someone who would see the damage behind your eyes and the lies. All the lies. Something or someone that would save you. And since there never was, you're the last person I'm going to say sorry to. The only person who truly deserves how sorry I am.
Me. I'm sorry to myself.
I love you, and I'm so, so sorry.
Goodbye.
(April 23, 2018)
