The strangest part is, dad.
demintive letter and not capital.
'dad'
How are you man? How are you dealing with the suicide of your second eldest daughter?
I hope you're okay?
I hope you're fine, you know?
Since you left and all, since you stayed away for so many years and then when given the chance to stick around,
You chose to screw it up?
And then stay away some more.
Tell me, how are you now?
How are you feeling and is it good? Is it better than you've ever imagined? Younger siblings without the other big sister, older sister without her born second after her sister?
What will they feel?
How will you all feel?
I'm sorry guys.
But dad, dad, daddy.
I'm not really that sorry you have to feel what it's like to no longer have me around.
To now miss me in a way you never would have thought you would.
I'm not sorry for the way you feel.
The bitter cold, the empty feel.
I'm not sorry of what's inside your chest,
Because that's how I felt on the day you left.
Everyday you left.
Everytime you walked out the door,
Oh God,
I just knew there wouldn't be more
And I knew it was just like before,
Yet it still broke me down to the core.
daddy,
I'm not sorry for the way you feel.
I'm sorry you finally feel this way.
I'm sorry you finally miss me.
But I'm glad you do.
Because honestly ?
I don't think you e v e r did.
So dad, how are you?
How are you truly feeling right now?
Because I still feel the same, I could never hate you
And I hate that I never could.
You make me so angry at my mother.
But you,
Oh, you selfish man!
I love you still.
But I father, for you,
I am still not sorry.
But goodbye for now.
(April 12, 2018)
