(Confused.)
I thought I made myself crystal clear.
And I guess I haven't.
My words were twisted with shrivled veer,
When driving my insanity.
(Disoriented.)
I thought I told you this before.
And I guess I haven't.
You spill your questions out of fear,
Describing my mortality.
I'll live and die just the same,
Burning in my bath of ice.
(Lost.)
I know I said it wasn't easy,
I guess, as always,
You don't hear me.
(Defeated.)
I try to tell you different stories,
Reminding you,
Probing your busy body.
And still you never toss or turn,
Look or fret,
Although I yearn,
My word has always gone unnoticed.
(Blame.)
Because it's my fault.
It's my fault for certain.
My mental state has gotten worse.
I have no sickness to reverse.
Just as I am irreplaceable.
The love that was is now insatiable.
I do not want to beg and plea,
I want to try,
I want to be.
(Pause.)
It's not my fault you're left behind.
(Anger.)
I'm just so fucking angry.
(Frustration.)
Uhrg.
I hate my life!
I hate it!
And I hate you!
I hate everything, and everyone!
I'm not depressed I'm a fucking mess.
My depressions getting worse
But if I die, and that's not the cause?
You'll never know!
(Calm.)
You'll never know...
(Excitement.)
I was angry!
I was so fucking mad!
And you don't get it, you don't get it.
(Before the storm.)
What killed me, you won't understand.
It's not that I didn't want to get better,
It's that I couldn't put it together
No matter what I do,
Words wouldn't sever,
The pain that I countered,
In every weather.
Pills could have conquered
My mission to die,
But I'd be doped up,
And out of my mind.
I wanted to live in a different way,
I wanted to breathe,
Be free and
stay...
I wanted to stay,
I promise I did,
It's just that my mind
would not allow it.
And so setting sail to caution the wind,
Was my way to fight,
My way to mend.
Although not enough and far too little.
I was rather at peace,
Than high and no settle.
I tried to seek and tornado the damage,
I tried to stampede and run from the savage.
I didn't want to talk.
It no longer helped.
I didn't want to cut
And claw my way out.
I didn't want to choke
On unswallowed pills.
I just wanted to be okay.
So that's really why I couldn't get better.
Talk I would,
And get worse by night.
Laugh I could,
And get hurt by day.
Pill by pill,
Method by method.
Damned by dying,
Tormented by living.
I wish I could stay and have been okay.
Once depressed and always sad.
You may get better,
But you'll still get mad.
It will drive you crazy,
You are a lost cause.
Once an attempt,
And later applause.
Mental illness a terminal disease.
You could try and try,
And nothing will heal.
Those pills are nothing
But a simple bandage.
That smile although genuine,
Is equal in damage.
You think you're better, but you'll only get worse.
No one understands me so I only get worse.
I'm not depressed nor suicidal.
I was fucking insane,
Deprived of survival.
Do you hear me now?
Your unconscious bible.
I wanted to live,
I wanted to stay.
God, I wanted to live in every way.
(January 18, 2017)
