I feel like I'm at that point in my life where I'm just drifting.
And it's honestly a bad time to be at that point.
With final examinations around the corner.
A literal thirty days away.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to smile.
I don't want to laugh.
I don't want to sing.
I don't want to dance.
I don't want to work.
I don't want to study.
I just want to lay.
Or sit.
Just do nothing.
I don't want to feel.
And I do want to feel.
But when I do feel.
I feel sad.
Empty.
Longing.
Tired.
And when I don't feel.
I feel sad.
Empty.
Longing.
Tired.
It's all the same.
I just want to cry.
Or scream.
Or just fall asleep and not wake up.
Today's a bad day.
I'm at school.
Skipping a class.
Maybe I'll be skipping the whole day.
The point is, that I want to do this day.
But I can't
Every second feels mere moments aways from a breakdown.
I feel like I'm about to tip at the edge of a waterfall.
A seemingly endless waterfall.
And I have no idea when the end is coming or if it's coming at all.
I'm putting my life in jeopardy.
I care.
But I just don't care at all anymore.
I don't care that I care.
Because I'm just trying to not die.
Everyone else is trying to live life and get through high school.
And I'm trying to stay alive.
To be lively.
And it's hurting me.
It's hurting that I'm not.
I feel like I'm dying.
And I'm trying to stay alive.
And that's my problem .
That's why I do all these things.
I scream.
I shout.
I skip school.
I skip class.
I don't do homework.
I don't talk to friends.
I don't talk a lot.
I don't smile much either.
I just breathe.
I try my best to do something my body should already know how to do, because I need to remind myself I'm still alive.
So please.
I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong.
I'm just trying to stay alive.
And that doesn't include doing or being anything right now.
It just includes breathing.
What do I want to do when I'm older?
6 - A singer.
11 - & a fashion designer
12 - & song writer
15 - & a scientist.
16 - & an artist
17 - Happy
18 - A runaway
19 - Dead
20 - Alive.
