I am feeling it again,
I want to kill myself again.
Why do I want it,
Why do I feel it?
Nothing has me tied down here,
I've cut that rope long ago.
I'm trying to write exactly what I feel
And these words aren't describing it well enough.
I'm so tired.
I'm always tired.
Everytime I write I talk about how tired I am.
I'm annoyed.
I'm sad.
I'm unhappy!
I'm not okay.
And that is not okay.
I'm bitter and I want to die.
I want to write awesome songs like I used to but after that incident I just don't feel myself anymore,
The only thing I feel is death and bitterness
And how close it is now
How near I've come.
It's like I don't care anymore
But I care too much.
But not even that is enough for me to stay anymore.
Me caring is not even enough for me to stay anymore.
I don't even want to save myself anymore.
I am truly done and I just want to cry.
I want to lay in bed while nobody's home, and cry all day.
All night.
All the time.
I just want to drown in my own tears like I've been drowning in my own depressing life.
If you had to ask me what depression is like, I'd say it's like an ocean.
Strong and violent when you're in it,
Calm and beautiful when you see it.
And when it's strong, it's fierce.
It's fiery, but you know it.
But when it's calm, it's dangerous.
It's so scary because you don't know the amount of power it contains.
You are unaware of what it is capable of.
When it's violent, it's brutal.
When it's beautiful, destructive.
The ocean has the power to control your body when you touch it, near it, feel it.
But it has the same power when you observe it.
Instead, it controls your mind the way it would your body.
If you really look, you'll find yourself drowning in your thoughts.
Just like it would your body.
Depression is definitely an ocean, and it's a sea filled with monsters.
I only ever write songs about monsters and demons now, because that's all I feel.
That's all I am now.
Sorry
(April 04, 2018)
