When I Think About death, I feel peace, I feel at ease. I feel serenity.
It's like this aura of relief washes over me.
When I think about life, I feel hopeless, tired, exhausted.
Drained of energy.
I feel sad.
I feel horrible.
And I realise I'd rather be gone.
Dead.
Not here anymore.
I want to be blind and deaf and sit in a room and not do anything.
Then I'll truly have nothing.
I wouldn't know that no one cares.
I won't hear laughing.
Shouting.
I won't hear joy.
I won't hear pain.
I won't see it.
I don't need to live anymore.
I don't want to live anymore.
All my friends know I've got depression now.
So if I die.
They'll understand.
They'll know I died because I wanted to.
That's what suicide is right.
It's not always dying because other people want you to.
It's because there's a part of you that wants to.
That little part of you has won.
And you give up to it.
It's tug was too strong for the tiny speck of you that wanted life.
Because even though I don't want life anymore.
Somewhere deep.
Where I cannot feel still tries to hold on.
And I know it.
I know it because I'm still here.
But it's not very strong anymore.
Every time something happens in my life that little piece of me gets weaker.
I feel sorry for her.
All the pain she has to go through to only get nothing in the end.
At least she knew she held on for this long.
She was at least that strong.
Ten years.
Ten years.
She's been powerful for 10 years of my life.
Never mind the other 80 that I won't get.
Out the twenty that I did, she got 10 years out of a 10 year struggle.
She had my body for the other 10 years.
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
She was a true warrior.
I am proud of her.
I'm just tired of helping her.
It's taken a toll on me.
You know?
It's drained me.
Today has not been a good day.
It hasn't even been a bad day.
Today.
I decided my future.
And I want nothing to do with it.
