Don't Forget

40. Her Connotations

Jared died two years ago. He was killed by unknown assailants. Yun ang paliwanag nila Mommy at Daddy.

Hindi nalaman kung sino ang pumatay sa kanya, pero according to my parents, may mga naghinala noon na may kinalaman ang pamilya ni Cindy sa pagkamatay ni Jared. It turns out that Jared was not happy in Davao with Cindy so he escaped and went back to Manila. The rumors said that Cindy‘s parents were so angry that they wanted Jared dead. Pero wala naman daw ebidensiya na may kinalaman nga sila kaya hindi naman sila nakulong.

Hindi ko mapigilang manghinayang. Ang ikli lang pala ng panahong nakasama ko ang kapatid ko. Hindi nga kami siguro nabuo bilang isang pamilya.

I wanted to ask more questions about what happened. Kung anong nangyari sakin nung mga panahong yun. Kung ano bang nangyari sa pamilyang kumupkop kay Jared. O kung asan na si Cindy ngayon at ang anak nila ni Jared.

But my parents refused me in giving more information of what happened. Other than the fact that it was such a terrible nightmare for them, the doctor said that I was not supposed to be stressed out.

Mas magiging madalas daw kasi ang pagsakit ng ulo ko.

Nakakainis. Parang kelan lang noong malaman ko ang tunay na relasyon ko kay Jared. Tapos ngayon lang ulit nagsibalikan ang mga ala-ala ko sa kanya. Tapos malalaman ko na lang na patay na pala siya kung kelan nagsisimula palang akong kilalanin siya?

At si Cassidy? How did she handled Jared‘s death? Was she heartbroken? Was she so depressed? And did I comforted her? Or did she comforted me?

Or did we comforted each other?

At ako, paano ko tinanggap na patay na si Jared? Bakit hindi ko maalala?

Bakit hindi tuloy yun ang maalala ko?

***

After two days, I was allowed to go back to school. But with strict precautions from the doctor this time. Minu-minuto na nga kung tawagan at i-check ako nila Mommy at Daddy.

I was still upset with myself. Ngayong mga nagdaang araw, bukod sa hindi pagpapakita ni Cassidy sakin, palagi na ring bumabagabag sa isip ko ang pagmakamatay ni Jared. Remembering our bonding was so affecting that it could make me cry suddenly.

He just died like that. And what‘s worse, pakiramdam ko ako ang may kasalanan sa pagkamatay niya. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman ko.

"Hindi mo kasalanan ang pagkamatay ni Jared..." sabi ni Daddy nang dinalaw niya ako sa Green House. He asked me what was bothering me so I told him. "Don't you ever think that, Janus. At isa pa, may naaalala ka na naman ba?" tanong niya. Maybe it was my imagination but he looked nervous too.

"Wala pa naman," pagtatapat ko.

Nakahinga nang maluwag si Daddy. "Janus, anak. Please do not think too much about it, okay? Ayokong sumakit na naman ang ulo mo... Nawalan na kami ng anak. Please take care of yourself."

"Bakit Dad, malala na ba tong sakit ko?" tanong ko agad kasi nagulat ako sa sinabi niya.

Umiling siya agad. "Hindi naman, Janus. Kinakabahan lang ako. Alam mo na, trauma sa pagkamatay ng kapatid mo."

I nodded. Naaawa ako kina Mommy at Daddy kasi siguro masyado silang kinakabahan para sa akin ngayon. Dahil sa naranasan nila noon, alam kong sa bawat pagsakit ng ulo ko ay natatakot sila na baka mawalan na naman sila ng anak. Kaya hindi ko dapat sila pinapag-alala ng husto.

Maybe I should just be thankful that they are here for me. My dad even filed an indefinite leave from his work back in Singapore just so he can look after me.