Yowzah Oneshot Collection (1)

109(M)

Whole Other Birthday Suit
Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw

The Doctor whistled merrily as he spun through the console room, twisting knobs and slapping buttons. Ponds dropped safely in Upper Leadworth? Check. Dalek plan blown to oblivion? Check! Date night with the missus? Definitely check! He laughed aloud and clicked his heels as the TARDIS landed in a nearby park. He was still whistling when he reached the little New New Parisian bistro.

"Reservation, monsieur?"

"Table for two, the Doctor."

The android maitre 'd cocked its head to one side. "Not found."

He rolled his eyes in response. "Table for two, John Smith?" He guessed.

"Not found."

"Try table for three, River Song," a rich, feminine voice suggested. "Sorry, honey," she apologized and drew him into a kiss. "Things came up and I had to change our reservation." Standing next to her was a teenage girl.

***

The Doctor waited until they were inside before saying anything, in an unusual display of restraint. "Hello, I'm the Doctor!" he introduced himself to the girl.

"I know," she replied, voice peevish.

"Excuse me," an older woman from the next table leaned over. "I just wanted to say how nice it is that the two of you youngsters are taking your mother out to eat." She looked up and away, clearly thinking of someone else, but missing the icy glares from all three of the people she was nominally addressing. "Some families don't have that kind of closeness...they just grow apart..." She realized they were staring at her, and blushed. "I suppose I was rambling a bit, and interrupting. Please forgive an old lady her indiscretion."

"Of course," River told her, feeling sorry for her despite her faux pas.

The Doctor, on the other hand, was too terrified to say anything for the moment. The girl had a light-brown complexion, but with Time Lords, that hardly mattered. "River," he asked, "she's not our daughter, is she?"

"Don't be silly," River replied. "Us? Raise a child?"

"I'm you," the girl continued. "Will be you, a few regenerations from now."

"Really?" the Doctor asked. "But I'm-"

"Yes, yes, the last one." The girl waved her hand. "There are ways around the limit, you know that. I suppose the cat's out of the bag now, though you'll forget by the time it happens, as I recall."

"So I wind up being a girl?" the male Doctor asked. "How's that treating me?"

"Not bad," she replied. "I've had a few female bodies by now-this regeneration cycle is a lot more flexible than the last one. Not that that's hard; I mean, really, thirteen white blokes in a row? That's impressive."

"Thank you," the male Doctor replied, tone wavering from pride to embarrassment with surprising ease.

"Anyway, the worst bit is being so young!" She rolled her eyes. "I mean, can you picture me telling someone that I'm the Oncoming Storm? Nobody takes me seriously! I actually have to have a plan instead of trading on my terrifying appearance and hoping they all back down, though I suppose you'd know something about that yourself." The male Doctor narrowed his eyes at his future self.

"On the bright side, this body is very energetic," River pointed out.

"River!" The male Doctor's eyes went as big as Dalek saucers. "Look at her! She's-"

"Thousands of years old," River concluded dryly. "I know. Hard to believe. And a demon in the sack. Now quit gaping and pick something from the menu." She smirked gleefully. "There's so much to choose from."