Yowzah Oneshot Collection (1)

100(G)

but as for me, I still remember.   how it was before, and I am holding back the tears no more
                     MrsRiverSigma
             (13thdoctorxRiverSong)

Her mind keeps running a thousand miles per hour when they get to the TARDIS. It's a lot to sink in, after all she just became friends with a whole sentient universe in the shape of a talking frog. Not just any frog, but one who has the voice of Grace.

Now, about Grace. When the woman said her friend just got there she thought she meant... She thought it would be... well, not Grace. She was hoping to see her wife, not somebody else's. But now she's glad it wasn't River the one who was waiting for them, otherwise she would never have left that universe. After all the Doctor have been through, one must think she's capable of facing such painful situations with ease, but it's quite the opposite; the older she is, the harder the pain, mourning just grows bigger, and the blame never fades away. She had already said goodbye to her wife three times, her hearts wouldn't bear a fourth.

As soon as they entered the ship the machine greeted them with a soothing hum, like a warm hug, calming their thoughts. The Doctor placed her hands flat on the console, head down she takes a couple of deep breaths. She tries to wear that smiley facade for her friends before they realize something is wrong, because when they do so, usually they have a tendency to ask too many questions.

She lifts her face up and her eyes meet with Graham's, she sees the pain and defeat laying under the surface, writing on the lines around his eyes, the angle his lips are turned down and the shadow behind he's expression. Probably a mirror of how she must look like at the moment. They share a sympathetic smile, and it should bring an ounce of empathy to her hearts, but it only brings more grief. Because even though it wasn't really Grace, it looked like her, sounded like her, and that's more than the Doctor could wish for.

She's not complaining, she had twenty-four years in Darillium, and her younger self enjoyed and treasured every second of it, but even two decades with your loved one doesn't seem to be time enough to say goodbye. The Doctor would give everything to just have a chance to briefly see her wife's face again, hear her voice calling her a sentimental idiot. Sometimes when she's alone and bored she likes to pretend her wife is there, by her side. Laughs all alone imagining all the possible reactions the missus would have if she had met this body. Other times she tries to avoid these types of thoughts, because she knows it won't bring her back, even if she wishes really hard.

Yaz and Ryan wave goodnight to her as they pass her by, they all need a nap after today, lots of running, too many emotions. Graham doesn't move, he stays there watching the Doctor. She tries to avoid eye contact, like if she tries hard enough he'll give up and don't make the question she knows it's on the tip of his tongue, itching to ask her. He moves around the console, walk towards the corridor and the Doctor starts to relax a bit, but at the last second he turns around.

"Everything all right, Doc?"

And well, fuck. She wants to turn around and tell Graham everything, but she knows she can't, so she does what she always did all of her lives: put a smile of her face and lies as best as she can. "Yep! 'm fine. How about you?" She turns the question around because that she can deal with, other people's feelings are usually easier for her to handle since it doesn't involve her own emotions to the mix. Usually.

He laughs shaking his head and walks back towards the console. "No, don't do that, Doc. Don't diverge the question" he sits on the step, his back to her, and that's why she can clearly see the slight tension on his shoulders. "You're always so damn preoccupied to save the world, always worrying about the three of us; our safety, what do we think, how we are feeling." He looks up for a second, observing the way the light shifted inside the surrounding crystals, takes a deep breath as continues "So why can't I ask how are you and get an honest answer? I'm your friend, you know?"