I Blame Me (Tododeku) [Completed]

69 ~ Todoroki Scented Pillow

Midoriya's POV

The rest of the drive was silent. The radio was turned off after my outburst so all that could be heard was the slight hum of the engine. The whole time, I was staring out the window trying to keep tears from falling as my thoughts tore me down. The moment the car was parked, I was unbuckled and opening the car door. I held my clothes close, running up to the door, surprised to find it unlocked as I walked in. I kicked off my shoes and run up to my room, Mic sitting on the couch, looking surprised and confused, not going unnoticed. I slammed my door before Mic could call up and ask what was wrong. I wouldn't know how to respond. Be angry and bitter even though he had done nothing wrong? Be sad and sob into his shoulder like a baby? Or act like everything was lollipops and rainbows and have him find out through Aizawa and Todoroki? No way, all of those are just straight up rude or selfish.

I dropped my clothes on the floor and plopped onto my bed. I lifted my head after breathing in. 'My bed smells like Todoroki. Vanilla and burning wood.' I thought, pleasantly surprised. I hugged my Todoroki scented pillow, and let the tears fall. 'I was mean and very selfish. I should go apologize.'

'What's the point? They all hate you anyway.'

I stuffed my face further unto the pillow. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ugly sob, but that would make everyone worry more than they are. I tried keeping my tears in longer, but they ended up spilling over anyways, no matter my attempts to stop. I continued to let my tears fall silently as guilt from what I said and did filled me up completely. I felt so alone in this room. I cried for a little while longer before begrudgingly getting up and putting my clothes away. I felt sluggish and I wanted to apologize to Aizawa and Todoroki, but couldn't make it pass grabbing the door knob without wanting to cry again. I sat down with my back against my bed, grabbing my phone and playing a random playlist. I leaned my head back and just listened for a while, finally seeming to calm down a bit. My mind quieting down from the storm of noise it was earlier.

Just as I was thinking I could go apologize without breaking down, there was a knock at my door. "It's open." I called looking at the door as it opened, revealing a nervous looking Mic. "Hey, little listener. You good if I come in?" Mic asked, not coming in further than poking his head through the frame. "Sure." I said, turning off my music. Mic seemed to relax a bit and came in, closing the door behind him. "You wanna talk?" The blonde asked, coming over and sitting next to me. "Not really." I replied, scooting over so I could lean my head on his shoulder. "Okay. That's okay. I won't make you." Mic replied, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, running his fingers through my hair. We sat there for a while, Mic gently soothing me to the point that I was almost asleep on his shoulder. "Mic. I think I messed up." I said, feeling safe and relaxed.

"You mean what happened in the car? Shota said he was asking you some stuff and lost his temper while questioning you and in return, you said some very worrying things." Mic asked, explaining how he knew. "Yeah. That." I replied, looking down at the wood floor. "I don't think you did. Shota blames himself for instigating it and Todoroki blames himself for not stepping in when he saw it take a turn for the worse. They are both messes down there, though they won't show it." Mic chuckled at the end, his hand resting in my curls. "They don't hate me then?" I asked, looking up from his shoulder. "No, they don't. They just feel bad for making you upset, especially after what happened." Mic replied, his hand starting up again.

"Hm, okay." I mumbled resting my head back on his shoulder, just sitting on the floor, enjoying being held in a parental kind of hug. 'I miss this.' I sighed, closing my eyes as I relaxed further, not wanting it to end. I touched the ring through my shirt, feeling lucky it didn't fall off in the river. We sat there in silence again. Mic eventually tapped my shoulder, making me lift my head and he stood up. "I'm gonna go make lunch, is there anything you want?" The blonde asked, not being loud. "No thanks. Though, will you tell Todo and Aizawa that I'm sorry?" I requested, knowing if I did it, I'd probably break down like a lost child. Mic smiled kindly at me, "Sure." I smiled back, a quiet 'thank you' being said before Mic walked out. I grabbed my phone and started playing my music again, trying to make the room seem less empty.

I found myself silently hoping Aizawa or Todoroki... or both would come in. I felt like crying again as I realized that is was going the same way it did between All Might and I. I snapped and then couldn't (wouldn't) apologize and then we stopped talking. I stood up, pacing as I bit my nail, scared that I would lose them both because of my own uncontrolled emotions.

'Useless Izuku.'

'Idiot.'

'Monster.'

'Fake.'

I wanted to scream as I shifted my hands up to my ears crouching down. I closed my eyes tight, holding back the tears that came along with the thoughts. I stuffed my eyes into my knees, hoping not being able to hear or see would help, even just a little.

'Pathetic.'

'Worthless.'

'Unwanted.'

"No, No, NO! Shut Up! SHUT UP! Just go away..." I spoke, screamed, and whispered. I held my ears tighter as the thoughts bombarded me. "Be quiet." I mumbled, plopping onto my butt, tears streaming down my face as I squeezed my eyes shut tight, my elbows resting on my knees.

'Disgusting.'

'Weak.'

I flinched at every word, shaking my head and feeling my body tremble. I sniffled as snot made its way out of my nose, my lungs feeling too tight to even do that. I choked out my own spit as another sob broke through. My mind attacked me as I heard the chaos from just before I saw my mom being murdered. I panicked even more, not wanting to relive it again, especially not right now.

'Murderer.'

My heart skipped a beat, my chest tightening in pain and my eyes snapping open to the sound of someone coming into my room. I wanted to scream for them to go away, my eyes being too blurred by tears to see who had come in. I shook my head, curling further into myself.

Everything suddenly stopped. The panic subsided and my raging thoughts quieted, leaving my tears to slowly come to a halt. I felt a gentle pressure on my head and I was being rocked back and forth. I cuddled into the warmth next to me, feeling calmer in just a few seconds. Before realizing I didn't know who I was cuddling into. "W-Who?" I asked with a broken voice, feeling small, but in a good way. "It's me sugar. It's just me. You're okay." I relaxed, hearing Todoroki's voice before stiffening when question after question filled my head. "I... When did you- what?" I spoke, all of my thoughts trying to escape my mouth at the same time.

"Shh. It's okay. Calm down and then we can talk, yeah? You're okay. I've got you." Todoroki's calming voice filled my ears, his gentle words comforting me. I removed my hands from their lose grip on my ears, uncovering them from the cloth resting on my head and holding onto the back of Todoroki's shirt. I felt all my bottled up emotions starting to burst as I started crying again, this time, feeling less alone.

1356 words