I Blame Me (Tododeku) [Completed]

68 ~ Six Razors

Midoriya's POV

After the doctor had done a check up on me and gave me my anti-depressants, I was able to leave the hospital, the doctor trying, and failing, to give us a card again. I was still a bit wobbly, had a small head ache, and as covered in bandages, big and small, but otherwise I was pretty good. I smiled as I walked out, the air still smelling like rain but the sun was out and warming us with its rays. "It feels so good." I mumbled, closing my eyes and looking up to the sky. I let my skin soak up some sun before looking back towards Aizawa and Todoroki. "Okie dokie! I'm ready to go." I smiled the best smile I could as I followed behind them, jumping over puddles left by the rain.

We climbed into the car, Todoroki and I sitting in the back while Aizawa drove. "To the house, right?" Aizawa asked, starting up the car. "No, we need to stop at the dorms really quick." Todoroki replied, grabbing my hand after we buckled up. "May I ask why?" Aizawa asked, pulling out of the parking lot and continuing to drive. "It's an agreem-" "It's nothing too important. Just gotta do something and grab some more of my clothes." I cut Todoroki off, not really wanting Aizawa to know I have razors at all; his house or otherwise. It went quiet after and it was making me anxious, so I went over what had all happened in the last few days, one thing standing out more than the rest. "Hey, Aizawa." I spoke, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Why did the doctor call you my dad? He said, 'You should really thank your dad here. If he hadn't started CPR as soon as he had, you probably wouldn't have made it' or something like that." I asked, not necessarily disliking the idea of him being my dad. "Uh," Aizawa cleared his throat, looking a bit uncomfortable. "How about we talk about this when Hizashi is around, yeah?"

I felt a little lost but agreed anyway. "Okay!" The rest of the ride was quiet except the radio. We had reached the dorms in what felt like no time at all. "I am going to be coming inside as well, but it's just to check on Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina, and Tsuyu. And hopefully, the dorms won't actually be destroyed." Aizawa grumbled, looking like he was expecting an utter mess. I chuckled, half expecting the same, even though Tsu was there to make sure they cleaned up their messes. "Alright." Todoroki agreed, unbuckling as we parked. I did the same, getting out of the car. "Will you need a bag or anything? For your clothes." Aizawa asked, looking at me. "No, I think I'll be good, thanks though." I said, forgetting to smile afterwards.

"Okay." Aizawa replied, locking the car and walking towards the dorms, me and Todoroki following along. We got there, finding Kaminari and Mina playing something, Kaminari obviously losing as he was screaming at Mina while standing and staring at the t.v. I chuckled, walked by them and up to my room, Todoroki following. I pulled the key from on top of my door frame and unlocked the door, walking in. I went to my desk, looking at the green box that held many little razors. "Four, right?" I asked, opening it up. "I'm making you do six." Todoroki responded, sitting down on my bed. "Huh? Why?" I asked, not feeling all too upset like last time.

"You cut twice while on break. So that's four, like you were thinking. Though, you almost died and scared the absolute hell out of everyone involved, so six. Don't feel too bad though, I was thinking of just getting rid of them all so six isn't so bad, is it?" Todoroki explained, looking at me almost blankly, but his eyes held worry and a bit of frustration thrown in there. My heart physically hurt when he said there was a moment there when I might have actually had to get rid of them all. "Oh, okay." I said, carefully pulling out six small razors, holding them in my hand.

All at once, the emotions I was trying to bury hit me like a truck and I wanted to cut my skin into threads; I panicked at the thought. I quickly stepped to Todoroki grabbing his hand and flipping it so his palm was facing upward. "T-Take them!" I all but screamed and I quickly handed them to the half n' half teen. I turned away, grabbing my wrists trying to think of something else. I shivered as I pushed the thoughts down, down, down, until I felt a bit better.

I sighed, turning back towards Todoroki, who was watching with worried eyes, holding the metal items in his palm. I went over and kissed Todoroki on the forehead. "Hold those for a sec?" I asked quietly, putting my forehead on his. "Sure." Todoroki replied, his cheeks a slight pink when I pulled away. I walked over to my dresser, grabbing some of the clothing I wore most often. I held the clothes in one arm and then went back over to Todoroki. "I can take them back now." I said, holding out my open hand. Todoroki looked at me, probably checking for things that would say I wanted to harm myself with the small blades. Todoroki nodded, handing me the six razors. We went back down stairs, me locking the door with my spare key and putting it back on my door frame before we left.

We got down stairs and I threw out the six razors in the kitchen garbage can. "Were those razors you threw away just now?" Aizawa asked, suddenly appearing in the kitchen, making me flinch. "H-Huh? A-Aizawa! I didn't hear you come in." I spoke, standing in front of the garbage can. "Yeah, were those razors?" Aizawa asked, obviously not falling for my bad attempt to hide the fact that I was indeed throwing away razors. "Yeah, they were razors." Todoroki spoke confidently. I smacked Todoroki's arm, pouting at him. "Where'd they come from?" Aizawa asked, his tone cold and unforgiving. "M-My dorm room..." I mumbled, trailing off as I looked to the side. "You don't have anymore on you at the moment, correct?" Aizawa spoke, looking upset.

I shook my head, biting the inside of my lip. "Then let's go." Aizawa stated walking out of the kitchen, Todoroki following. I was surprised that he wasn't going to make me throw the rest of them out. I smiled a bit, jogging to catch up with the other two, passing by Kaminari and Mina again, waving bye as Kaminari looked surprised to even see me there.

We piled back into the car, buckling up, and then started on our way back to Erasure and Mic's place. I felt happy as I listened to the music from the radio, being okay with the lack of conversation. "Midoriya." Aizawa caught my attention. "Mhm?" I hummed, acknowledging that I had heard him. "I'd like to talk to you about what happened on Wednesday." Aizawa said, catching me off guard. "O-Oh, is that so?" I replied, feeling a bit stressed out about even just thinking about what had happened. "Yeah. You wanna tell me why you lied to Bakugo and went to your mother's grave alone?" Aizawa asked bluntly, not seemingly too worried about how horrible that made me feel.

I looked at the clothes that were placed on my lap, suddenly feeling like the car was way too small to be having this conversation in. "You know exactly why I did it." I mumbled, pushing any and all emotions down and ignoring them. "I want to hear you tell me that your plan all along was to try to commit suicide." I cringed as Aizawa spoke. "It wasn't my plan until that morning." I mumbled again, tears filling my eyes. "So not only did you lie to Bakugo, but lied straight to Hizashi's and I's faces." Aizawa stated, blandly. I felt my heart squeeze knowing what he said wasn't wrong at all. I cursed at myself, suddenly feeling pissed that I was getting lectured for something I knew I shouldn't have done.

"Yeah, okay? I lied to Kacchan. I lied to Mic. And I lied to you. I kept a secret from Todoroki and scared the living day lights out of everyone by throwing myself off a bridge. I know! Believe me, I know. I made a mistake. And I keep making the same mistake, and frankly, I don't feel all too guilty! If anything, I'm pissed that I got caught! I hate that I can't accept that you people actually like a dumbass like me! Even I can't stand me. I honestly hate myself, so how the hell am I supposed to feel?! Needed? Wanted? Well, I don't! I feel unimportant and sad and angry! My mom died right in front of me and it haunts me! Still, even after over four whole months, I have night terrors! I see her face as she falls to ground and hear as that villain laughs before disappearing. I hurt thinking about how much you guys would be affected by me just up and leaving but I can't help but think that after a year, you'd all just forget about me anyway, so why stay? I thought... I thought you'd all be happier without me, okay?! Why would someone stay when all they want is to see the one person that they miss the m-most?! She's Gone! My mother! The one who carried me in her stomach for nearly ten months. The One Who Gave Birth To Me And Raised Me! I-I-I... I just don't want to be here anymore. I just don't."

I was out of breath by the time I ended, only now realizing that Aizawa had pulled over, listening to my every word. Todoroki was looking at me with tear filled eyes, looking hurt. I looked away from both, curling up on my seat. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." I mumbled, hugging my clothes to my chest as I looked out the window, watching as everything started to fly by when we started moving again. 'What did I just do?'

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