BEHIND CLOSED DOORS ( MAN*MAN)

Chapter 44. Rewritten.

Sometimes you have to think before you say something to someone,
Coz words that are implanted in people never leave their hearts.

******

I'm a fucken asshole.

Kenny cursed under his breath as he continued looking for Ethan everywhere. He didn't know what came over him to let out that word. He went too far this time. For God's sake, Ron is bisexual and he had never felt any need to say or think of him like that. If he hears that he said that word, Kenny knows Ron won't speak to him ever again. Kenny doesn't have a problem with other guys liking other guys. He wasn't homophobic or anything. He supports each and every ones choice. He didn't know what came over him to call Ethan that obscene word.

Kenny regretted it as soon as it came out. The look in Ethan's eyes made Kenny know that he fucked up really bad. In all the words he could have said, he went with that. Kenny had never felt bad for most of the things he said or did but this hits hard. The fact that he said it to someone who meant a lot to him made him hate himself more.

But again, Kenny was pissed.

He started all this arrangement knowing that Ethan was straight. He didn't know that the guy would fall for him like that. Ethan was his only hope to heal this sickness that was so stubborn to go. If Ethan had rejected him. Maybe Kenny wouldn't feel the things he feels for another man. Ethan was his only hope to show him that what he felt was wrong but even in his brain it was plain stupid to think like that. He had been with many women but no one had ever changed him.

When Mary told him that he loved him, he felt irritated and disgusted but when Ethan said it, he felt full yet again scared. The other part of him wanted to hug the man and make love to him but the bigger part of him was screaming to him that it was wrong and that part always wins.

Kenny halted in his steps when he saw Ethan. His heart dropped instantly when he saw him with none other than David Rendell. Not only they were talking or anything but they were entering David's condo. He blinked so many times wanting to make sure that he was seeing things but no. Tears started streaming down his face as he watched David close the door behind him. Kenny's legs buckled and he fell on his knees feeling weak in his bones. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. His heart was thumping so hard, his body was trembling as tears wetted his face.

Kenny wanted to shout, trash, and go in there and beat the living daylights out of both of them. The minute they fight, Ethan goes to that man. Kenny felt like his body wasn't his. He kneeled there in the cold like for hours, just looking at Davids, somehow hoping that Ethan would get out but that didn't happen. Kenny felt weak as he silently wept. He stood up and found his way back to the hotel all dejected and weak. His body not responding at all. He reached their room and sat against the door after closing it behind and he cried again and again without being able to control it.

He started reminiscing about the day he first saw Ethan. How his heart pounded in his chest at the sight of the boy who had a beautiful smile and those blue sea eyes that sparkled every time he laughed.

He remembered how he couldn't take his eyes off the boy. How he dreamt about that face almost everyday. Kenny remembered how he used to stalk the boy almost every day. He remembered how many times he talked himself out when he wanted to muster up the courage to talk to him but chickened out the moment he saw him.

At first, Kenny didn't understand the feeling, he thought he wanted to talk to the boy with a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes. What he didn't know was that he wanted to be in those arms. He wanted to hold Ethan so badly. One day when he watched football Ethan was sweaty. The sight never left his vision to this day. When he returned home, he found himself hard whenever he thought about it. He couldn't help but touch himself every time and called out his name when he came into his hands. It felt so right, in that moment until it hit him like tons of bricks.