Øverturning the lies (a twenty one pilots fanfiction)

~Mari~

Mari finds her mind racing.

Racing, and trying to figure out all that could go wrong.

All that might happen.

What if something she never planned on, counted on, occurs?

What then?

How will she react?

But no.

Her brain refuses to even accept that possibility.

She holds tightly onto the idea of control.

She is in control.

She can make it all obey her wishes and whims, can't she?

Maybe letting go of that would help-but no.

She wishes she could but then what would she have left?

Nothing.

Nothing nothing nothing.

Then how will she find her place?

How will she do anything?

The very idea of venturing into the unknown (INTO THE UNKNOOOOOOWWWWNNN WOAH OH OH OH-btw, the panic! Version is totally better) terrifies her, sends chills down her spine.

Venturing out of this space, this safe space where she's made her home.

Let her mind rest.

Perhaps "rest" isn't quite accurate.

No.

She never knows when to rest, how to rest.

But she seems to have surrounded herself with a bubble.

Anything outside of that she cannot even imagine letting happen.

Opening up, trying a different lifestyle for once-

That will require far too much effort than she's willing to follow through with.

Far too much.

Energy and motivation is something she's found herself lacking lately.

And a drive to do anything more than just exist, pulling the fragments of her damaged self together.

Even inside the routine she's found herself folded into, a part of, there is still time for her to wonder.

To wander and to think and be alone.

And that has made things terrifying.

Even in this place where she is meant to be safe there is time to be afraid.

There is time to be lost.

There is time to think about everything that has gone wrong and all the mistakes that she has ever made.

They seem to be taunting her sometimes.

Taunting her and leaving her empty, not even able to do simple tasks anymore.

Not even able to sleep.

What is this existence?

When did she become this shell?

This mishmash of pieces of her failed adaptations, her tired personalities...this is not her.

Maybe the thing that was her has already become lost.

Lost and lost and lost...

Who is she truly?

What do these feelings mean?

What does any of it mean?

Is she making progress at all or slowly slowly falling back into old, self-destructive habits?

She doesn't know doesn't know really truly just wishes things will end differently than she knows they will.

She knows things are going to fall apart and break.

They always do.

So why does her somewhat happy, somewhat sad, somewhat confused mindset still remain?

Can she trust it?

Honestly and truly she is glad things haven't taken a turn for the worse.

But.

Still.

Normalcy is something  she hasn't felt in a long time. 

Even her dreams are often invaded.

Invaded with thoughts of escape. 

And all the things she wishes she could let go, let go and escape. 

Awake. 

Asleep. 

Fighting. 

She exhales, staring off into the distance. 

Fighting.