I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter One-Hundred

Van

"Alright, New York. You've heard the ones that got us here, but it's time for some new ones."

I paused and adjusted the mic as the crowd roared just a few steps below where I was standing. We were halfway through the set, and I was already due for a shower. I glanced to my left every now and again and caught Ellie's eyes. She was stunning, decked out in a lace top and my favorite skirt of hers. Her parents' smiles were plastered permanently on their faces and had been since they arrived, whether that was from the happiness of being reunited with their daughter, or being at a show, or perhaps a little of both. I tried not to let my glances linger on her for too long. She'd be able to tell that something was up if I spent too much time focused on her and not enough on the crowd. She knew the role I played when I was on stage, and she knew it well. Van mode, she called it.

Bondy's guitar strings brought me back to the moment, and the high pitched chord he was playing told me I didn't have time to get lost in thought. I'd already been lagging in between songs, he'd reminded me of my place a few times now with a simple nod or a chord change that only we would notice. I glanced over at him nervously, but he only nodded at me again and winked. I let out a sigh and pressed my lips back against the microphone, closing my eyes and trying to get back into character.

"This next song is the first single off our new album." The crowd erupted with cheers. By now, the hardcore fans knew the songs we'd released and streamed them online before they were even available on other platforms. Bootleg copies and radio edits were enough to keep them satisfied until things were officially released, and it was also enough to get them singing along at shows. "It's for someone who means a lot to me, and I want you to join in if you know the words."

The crowd erupted again and I glanced at Ellie and flashed her my teeth.

"This ones called Lockjaw."

Playing new songs live was the one thing that brought me to my knees when it came to music. Seeing the reaction of a crowd those first few times, there was nothing like it really. There wasn't even anything I could compare it to. I belted the words out from somewhere deep inside of myself and the crowd sang the chorus back like they'd been doing it for years. I noticed Benji's crooked smile and sideways grins every few moments as we tore into fresh material and gave it to a crowd of hungry listeners. They chewed it up and swallowed it.

The bridge of Lockjaw was slow in tempo on the album, but live, we slowed it down even more, stripped it into a ballad even. I raked my fingers through my damp hair, slicking it back before grabbing the microphone and steadying it in my fingers. Propping my foot up on the amp I scoured the crowd like I was looking for something important, and it always got people worked up. It was a move management recommended to me on our first tour of the US. It wasn't something I would have done on my own accord, but now, it was habitually incorporated into every show we played.

"You say save me. Save me, well save me.
I don't know what to do."

I paused and glanced at Ellie again, a twisted little grin on her face as she bit her bottom lip and shook her head at me. By now, I should have picked up the next line and finished off the bridge, but I was lost in her eyes again, lost in every moment that led us directly to where we were. It could have been her and I alone in the venue, at least that's what it felt like. In that moment nothing else mattered. She was the only thing that really mattered. Tonight was the biggest night of my life. For a second, I couldn't breathe. Couldn't do anything but look at her. The woman who inspired the song and the album that followed. The woman that crept up on me at a time in my life when I didn't notice anything, and sank her teeth so deeply into me that I couldn't think about anything else.