I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Eighty-Eight

Van

I'd never been much of a tourist.

I'd been all around the world and then some, and I never cared much for scenery or exploring. But El made all that different.

We'd lazily walked the colorful streets of Santorini, and weaved in and out of shops and pubs, pausing here and there for a quick drink, or to relax in the sunny spots we'd find by outside tables.  When we weren't engulfed in the local spots and sharing drinks with strangers, we were sprawled out by the pool, or disappearing down the black sandy beaches of the sea. It was warm enough during the day, that the sun turned both of us pink, but at night, the coolness of the air whipped around us and forced us to cocoon around each other.

We had no choice but to face each other head on, especially when we were isolated from the rest of the world and the only people we knew. We'd spent the first few days getting the majority of our concerns out on the line. We'd covered everything and then some, and most of the things we discussed, we'd already covered months before, but they kept prodding their way to the surface. It was Ellie who pointed out the truth to me while I sat on our balcony early in the week, and smoked a fag, the stillness of the evening sky wrapping around me.

"We can't keep doing this to each other. It'll ruin us."

I turned toward her, exhaling a plume off smoke in the process. I was shirtless, only wearing the pair of black jeans I'd pulled on to smoke. Ellie was snaked in a robe, and I tried not to think about how easy it would be to remove it. My mouth went dry at the thought.

She was right though. This would ruin us if we let it. We knew better.

"I agree."

"So after this...after this is over, no more judging each other. No more worrying about what the other one is doing. Whether we're in the same country or not. I'm not leaving you for Barns. I'm not going back to someone who did what he did to me. You've got to believe me on that."

I blew out another puff of smoke on a nod.

"And you need to believe me...I'm not going to get so lonely that I give in and shag a random fan."

She set her lips in a hard line, and nodded slightly.

"I mean it, El. I'm not jeopardizing us for anything. I'm not as young and wild as I use to be. Nothing about those moments appeal to me anymore."

"I believe you." She whispered lightly and wrapped her robe around her tighter, shuddering slightly against the chill in the air.

"Sure ya do." I laughed and handed her the fag. She accepted my offer and tilted her head back on the inhale, holding the smoke in her lungs for a moment before unleashing it into the sky.

"It's just...it's the what if that haunts me. Even before you, it haunted me."

"It's the same for me. Why do you think I got so upset about you not telling me about Slim? We've gotta be better than we are with each other. If I trust you, then you trust me. That's all there is to it. And if we can agree to that, then we close this chapter and don't sleep on it again."

She hit the fag again before handing it back to me. "I believe you. And I trust you. The only thing I'm sure of in this world, is that I want to end up with you."

I tried to hide the smile that threatened to take up residency on my face. I opted for a drag on the cigarette and turned away from her to hide the redness in my cheeks. "And I believe you. I'm sorry I didn't sooner."

She crossed her arms over her torso and leaned against the wall for support. "I'm sorry I kept things from you. Things that I thought were insignificant."