I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Six

Van

I hadn't slept in a few days. I was living on teas and coffees from every stop the bus made, fags and one large meal a day. I've never been much of a snacker, but when sleep became non existent, my appetite decreased further. I could see the worry in Bondy's expression as he watched me pace back and forth before the show.

"You gotta get sleep tonight, mate. You're not well."

I nodded, knowing in truth he was right, but sleep wasn't coming for two reasons. The first was the biggest accomplishment for me; I was writing again. That part made it worth the lack of sleep. I had rough drafts of two songs, which was two more than last week.

The other reason was complicated. Ellie pulled massive demons to the surface when she trashed me in the hotel elevator. She brought up me being unfaithful. She of all people, brought it up. I wrestled with the urge to tell her the truth about the man she so thoughtlessly defended, and I wrestled with the wounds I bore that weren't quite healed.

I was unfaithful. I was unfaithful toward a woman I thought I'd marry. That was the pill lodged in my throat for the last two years of my life. The pill I never swallowed or coughed up. And how did she even know about that? How did she know about my past, unless someone told her. And I knew who that someone was.

I stopped pacing as Bob twirled his drumsticks round in his hands. The echo of the crowd rolled in through the open door on Barns' shoulders. He was drenched in sweat, his red leather jacket hanging loosely off him, chest exposed. He smirked at us.

"It's a wild one out there tonight. Got them all jacked up for you four. You're welcome."

None of the lads liked Barns, but none of them disliked him as much as me. We tolerated him because we had to. Bob was usually neutral and spoke to him the most, and Bondy, bless him; Bondy could slide in comments that sounded like compliments, but were nothing more than digs.

I wasn't shocked that Bondy spoke first. "We owe you a proper thanks then. It it wasn't for you, we probably wouldn't even have a crowd."

Blakes smirked behind me and I looked at the floor, hiding my smile.

Ellie appeared from the background, camera in her hands, and I avoided her gaze like I had done for the last three days. She tried to speak to me twice and I shrugged her off each time. Her opinion of me was based on whatever Barns told her, and I didn't need to stand up for myself. Once someone has made up their mind on you, you're not going to convince them otherwise. That's the tragedy of the human condition. We all judge, even when we say we don't.

Larry handed me my guitar on a smile. "You look like hell, mate."

I nodded. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"Yeah, McCann...what's gotten into you? You sick or something?" Barns tossed back his water and then cracked open a bottle of beer. Ellie frowned. It was a subtle frown that she wiped away as soon I looked at her. A frown she clearly didn't want anyone to notice, but I already had.

I let the red, hot anger roll through my joints, and before I could open my mouth, Blakes shot in.

"Yes. He's sick." Lie. "At least he still gets up there at night and plays."

I tossed a grateful glance to Blakes, knowing that if he hadn't cut in, I'd have set the room on fire with my words.

Barns narrowed his eyes at both of us before collapsing to the couch and pulling Ellie down with him. She looked uncomfortable as she wrestled in his grip. She wasn't reposed or calm the way I imagined someone in love would be. She was rigid, fearful even. A thought tapped in my brain. A thought I couldn't do much about standing here, and a thought that dug into my bones.