I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Fifteen

Ellie

I was trying not to stare, but the live show that Catfish and the Bottlemen put on night after night had me in awe. It was difficult to pull your attention away from people who demand it. Van McCann demanded it, snatched it up when you weren't looking and pocketed it.

I stood on the side of the stage, behind Benji (the one with the hair) and smiled at what now seemed to be an old joke. I was used to watching Barns play, and I had seen him play a thousand times, but there was a current when Catfish played that Barns didn't have. No one in his band had it, but they did, and one by one that current traveled around the room and lit everything on fire.

I tapped my foot along to Anything as Van played the song out longer than the album, slowing the last bit down, stripping it down almost entirely acoustic and crooning the last few words into his microphone. The crowd applauded him and showered the lights lowering with screams.

It was moments like these that I lived for. The crowd knew nothing, just that another song was coming, but back here, things were buzzing. Techs chatted with security, the electric crew yelled over to stage crew, and the guys chugged waters and complained about their instruments for one reason or another. The roar of the crowd kept the panic behind the curtains and the amp speakers quiet though.

Normally I didn't stay and watch, but I heard Van talking about his set to Larry and Bondy shortly before their set started.

"It's going to go off when we play it. I just feel like it's going to blow up in here."

Bondy looked over at me and nodded when he saw me just out of earshot. Van followed his gaze and rested his eyes on me, a look of pure discontentment staining his ice eyes grey. He shrugged off his bandmate and friend and passed by me like the breeze, not pausing to acknowledge me or my existence. Maybe he wanted to pretend our conversation from this morning didn't happen. Maybe he didn't want Barns to see, his early words reminding me of the possibility.

He told me to stay away from you.

Bondy paused by me before following his bandmate to the stage. "You've got a nasty cut on your lip there, El. You alright?"

I felt the blush stain my face. "Yeah...just an accident. Everything's fine." I wondered what Van told him about what happened. I wonder if Bondy knew anything at all. I know Barns asked everyone to keep it quiet, but someone other than Van had to know something.

Bondy didn't say anything back right away, just pressed his lips together and put his thick rimmed glasses on. "You staying to watch us play?"

I looked over my shoulder for Barns, but he was nowhere. He disappeared to shower minutes ago, I figured he was still there.

"I guess so." I turned back and offered Bondy a hopeful smile.

"Doin a change up tonight on songs. Kind of a nice break from the usual." He mumbled a bit as he spoke, seeming nervous, before offering me a quick nod as Van yelled for him. I smiled as he jogged to catch up to the guys before they ran out on stage.

That was an hour ago, and even though Barns had been popping in and out to watch, I stayed for the whole thing. The beat of Bob's drum brought me back to the present as backstage grew quiet and the guys took their places again.

Van paced the stage and swung his guitar around while arching his back into whatever song they were about to play. He didn't have any idea that the world was going on around him. I admired him for that.

The lights turned a dark red and shined on Van's back. He began plucking his guitar strings harshly, the crowd leaping into an immediate release of screams. He grabbed the mic with his right hand and drug it over to Bondy's side of the stage. I could barely see his face. His hair was soaked and hanging against the sides of it until he shoved it back with his fingers. He looked exhausted, but he wasn't stopping. Not yet. A small smile danced across his face as he looked out at the crowd. He showed no signs of distress or lack of love for them. This was clearly where he was meant to be.

"We're going to do things a little differently tonight and take it back a bit. It's been a while since we played this one, so if we need help with the words, that's where yous'll all come in."

The crowed cheered again and I turned further toward the stage so I could see him better. Curiosity loomed just under my skin, wondering what Van was going to surprise them with.

He cut into the first chords of Red and smiled at the reaction in the crowd. He turned his attention to me for a moment, giving me something between a nod and a smirk. I looked around for Barns but he was missing again, likely having a smoke break.

The words started and my tongue felt like it was made of ashes.

Does he meet you with heart-shaped balloons
Offer you everything and never pull through
Does he love what you've done with the place?
Does he take you the Liquid Rooms after work
Just to unwind you but then goes and makes it worse
Can he do what I do for you?

The crowd sang the words loudly back to Van as he turned back to look at me. He crossed the stage, dragging his microphone and screaming into it, eyes staying on me for the whole of it.

I've not stopped thinking this shit since I come away

I felt empty, absolutely empty, cold and sick. I knew this song after listening to it several times after I saw their soundcheck, but I'd never heard it live. Never heard it like this. Not with anger being lashed out at me from him. Not with the look on his face that he wore in that moment.

Hey?
How about I change?
How about you look at me the same, hey?
How about I change?
How about you love me again?

Bondy kept his eyes on Van for most of the performance, only shifting them to me when Van made it a point to look right at me, as if he were singing the words to me, as if he wrote them for me.

Does he assure you at four in the morning
That you just haven't seen his good side yet
Does he love what you've done with the place?
Does he take you the Liquid Rooms after work
Does he join you on the tables, baby
Can he do what I do for you?
I've not stopped thinking this shit since I come away

They crashed through the second verse and I felt like my limbs were cemented to the floor. The air in the room was too thick, too heavy for me to breathe in. Van finished the song, adding in "whys" and "yous" when he needed filler. Completely improvising his gestures and moves, but making sure to rest his eyes on me more than he should have. If Barns were here, he would have noticed it all. There was no hiding what this was about. Not tonight.

Hey?
How about I change?
How about you look at me the same, hey?
How about I change?
How about you love me again?

The song ended and the lights dimmed. I didn't wait to see what came next, I didn't wait to see Van judge my reaction. I turned and disappeared from the side of the stage, anger and shock fueling my emotions and causing tears to spill down my face. I didn't stop until I pushed my body through the back exit and gasped for air.