I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Twenty-Two

Van

I hadn't spoken to Ellie in six days.

Six, grueling days. The majority of those days were spent trading miles in the bus for gigs in evening, with shows scattered up and down the Pacific Northwest before we settled into the belly of sunny California. But even in the sunshine, I couldn't shake the fact that we hadn't shared a phrase, or even a hello in nearly a week.

But just because I hadn't spoken to Ellie, didn't mean I hadn't locked eyes with her any chance I'd get. It didn't mean I wouldn't find her in the crowd, or on the wing of the stage during a show and hold her gaze for an instant while singing, except this times I wasn't singing Red. I traded those lyrics for the slowed down chorus of Homesick, something I hadn't done in years. Or the middle of Anything, right before Bondy lost his mind in the bridge. She'd gnaw on her lip and keep her eyes wide in those moments as I told her to phone me, anytime at all. She knew. Even if she pretended not to notice, she knew. Knew what was for her and what was for everyone else. And she wasn't the only one who knew.

After our show in Seattle a couple nights back, Blakes and me popped into a pub to unwind, it was the night we'd done Homesick, the night I drug our every word for her. I lingered too long on the "I'm only looking out for you", let it pierce her where it mattered.

"So what does she say about all this?"

"What's who say about all what, Blakes?" I was a few pints deep and laughing at whatever game was on the television behind the bar.

"Ellie."

I nearly choked on my beer. "We're friends Blakes. Well, we may not even be that anymore. Haven't talked to her in days."

"Yet you're tossing songs at her like you used to do to girls when we were nineteen and playing those little pubs in London." Blakes smiled at the memory. A simpler time. Pre-Bondy even, and pre-Bob having tamed his hair down.

"Is it that obvious?"

"I'm surprised Barns hasn't noticed yet."

"It's nothing personal-"

"Oh, it's everything personal. You know how to get 'em straight in the heart, specially if you're feeling it, too." That was the last thing Benji said about it all. When he was done, he was done.

I drank myself deep that night, doing everything I could to forget her. The only thing I ended up with was an empty page staring back at me because I couldn't find the words of a song that had been haunting me, and a massive headache from too many pints. I passed out on my things that evening, woke up angry the next day, angry and still void of a song.

Now though, now we were back in California, playing our final show for a few days before taking a break. Thanksgiving was happening in America, and Steve thought it'd be the perfect time to take a "vacation" if we could even call it that. I welcomed the thought. If I was going to have time off, I wanted it to be in California.

We played our usual set, no surprises tonight, no add ins of old songs or extended versions where I'd seek Ellie out and sing it only to her. None of that. Tonight was straight shooting. I was starting to get worn out. Starting to feel like my voice was strained and my legs were cramped. In truth, maybe I needed those days off.