I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Van

It was the slowest thing I'd written since Heathrow.

We didn't put a full length acoustic song on The Balance. It just didn't seem like there was a place for one. Intermission was the closest we got to slowing things down, and it was a perfect fit for that album. It didn't need to be slowed down more than that. The Balance was meant for a deep wave of what we went through to get where we are, and that's exactly what it was.

This was different. This song was meant to rip someone in two. This song was meant for number four. It was meant for the album with the edge, the album with the truths. I didn't have a name for it yet, didn't know what to call it, but I had everything else I needed for it. It escaped me quickly, landing in my lap on the edge of my drunken state. I didn't mean for it to unwind itself into a slow version of the truth, but it sounded better that way.

Even Bondy looked surprised as we worked our way through it, only asking once if I wanted to speed it up at all. I declined.

"From the top." I pointed to the ceiling and he nodded, sticking his pick between his teeth to adjust a string of his guitar. We'd been playing for hours, well into the belly of the night.

Bondy strummed the chords softly as we eased into the first verse, finding a blend of still having a punch with the words, but keeping things sincere.

You left with him
When I had a pass for a few days,
But a few days left me on the wall.
I'm mixing tonic in gin,
And I've never liked him anyways,
But anyways helps numb the linger in your stall.

Come, breathe in my bones,
Stop leaving the room
leading me on.

And if you can't say
Why you stay
and I can't be enough to shake up your ache up,
I won't do this anymore.
And if you find
Me in your time
And he's just enough to paint up your face up,
I won't want you anymore.

And you come round,
When I'm locked inside for days,
Days that left me rounded from a fall.
I'm lost in the sound,
And you're the only song that plays,
Play me like you're not singing along at all.

Leave, ash out my bones.
Stop leading me in
Let me be gone.

And if you can't say,
Why you stay
And I can't be enough to shake up your ache up,
I won't do this anymore.
And if you find
Me in your time
And he's just enough to paint up your face up,
I won't want you anymore.

You say I'm leading you on.
When you're the one that's gone
And if you can't say,
why you stay,
And I can't be enough.
I won't do this anymore.

And if you find
me in your time,
and he's plenty enough to paint up your face up,
I won't want you anymore.

Bondy strummed the last chord over a few times and smacked the guitar afterwards. "Well played, sire."

I'd sobered up a little since the bar, but not enough to warrant the feelings of sorrow or regret. In fact, I think I was void of those feelings now. I'd seen her at her worst, and I'd seen her at her best, and if Barns had the capacity to hold her at her both, then she deserved him.

We moved to the balcony for a fag, the scene reminiscent of years and years earlier, when I was trying to piece together our first album, trying to figure out how to make it work. Bondy wasn't even a part of us yet. Now I couldn't imagine my life without him. We said nothing as the smoke filtered up into the dark sky.

"Why do people stay when they've got other options, Bondy?"

He ashed his fag and removed his hat, something he rarely did at all. With his free hand, he smoothed out his hair. Bondy was nervous about something, and Bondy never got nervous.

"Some people don't want to leave. They don't want help. They think they deserve where they are, so they stay there, keep themselves boxed in."

I could see that of Ellie. I could see her staying because she hated herself, but it didn't make me feel sorry for her. It pissed me off.

"I just don't get it. I don't know, maybe I let myself get too wrapped up in their whole thing. Maybe I cared too much about saving a person that was never meant to be saved. Maybe she'd like me if I was more like him, if I had more of an edge."

"You couldn't be like that tosser if you tried. I've never seen a person quite like that. Demands all your attention and then makes you hate him, but you can't quite look away from the trainwreck he causes."

I laughed, a real deep laugh that sounded foreign as it echoed off my lungs. A wave of exhaustion rolled through me, the fag calming me into a state of relaxation. Even with the anger still settling in my bones, I felt at ease. Maybe it had been the song. I did what Bondy said, I got it all out, sharpened my words just enough to pierce her.

"I think I need sleep." I muttered.

"Aye, think we could both use it. One more day off tomorrow, let's have Bob and Blakes up for a run through. Think they'd like to hear this, and everything else you've been hoarding."

"Sounds good." I should share it with them. Should show them what they'd be recording next year. They deserved that.

Bondy stretched before disappearing inside to grab his guitar. I left the balcony, closed the door and removed my shoes. I should have taken a shower, should have cleaned myself up, but I was on the edge of sleep and I didn't want to lose it.

"See you later on then, mate." Bondy dipped out of the room without another word and left me alone with my thoughts.

I laid down in the bed and reached for my phone on the nightstand. I had missed calls from Steve, my mum, messages from Larry, and a message from a number I didn't recognize. A lump formed in my throat as I pressed the number I didn't know.

"Why did you say those things tonight?"

Ellie. It had to be her.

I typed my response quickly, the anger not completely out of reach yet.

"You probably shouldn't message me. He wouldn't like it very much."

I tossed the phone on the nightstand and rolled to my side.

I almost felt sorry for my response.

Almost.

I slept better than I had in weeks.

*I'm uploading these from files I emailed to myself, so I'll re-edit later, please pardon any mistakes. I wrote the song Van plays in 20 minutes and it kind of fell on my lap the same way I made it happen in the story. If it's shit, ignore it. :) I hope to have two more updates before tomorrow, and then Saturday will likely be the next one. Your comments are so greatly appreciated. Thank you for the support.X*