I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Sixty-Five

Van

Manchester was different than Charlotte.

We'd arrived late in the afternoon thanks to the time change. The clouds welcomed me back with a familiarity that only England could provide. I hesitated as we stepped off the plane and into the jetbridge connecting us to the airport, pushing my sunglasses further up my nose and keeping my head down. Larry frowned at me when he realized his sunglasses were tucked away in the bottom of his carry on.

"Just look down, mate." My voice was low, hushed out of habit and tired already.

Ellie narrowed her eyes at the both of us, hesitating on a step before stopping completely. We both turned to face her, and I assumed Larry felt the same confusion that washed over me.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was small.

I shrugged, not wanting to sound arrogant, choosing my words carefully. "We get...recognized here sometimes. More times than not. Not like across the pond. It's just...different back here when we're home. Sometimes it's a lot."

"Fans?"

I nodded. "Sometimes loads more than we're prepared for."

She tossed my words around in her head before nodding once and stepping by me, but she paused briefly and bit her lip casually, turning to me with a different type of look this time. I couldn't even find a name for it.

"What are they going to think if they recognize you both and wonder who I am?"

This time I bit my lip. We'd eluded the press through the entire incident in America, and nothing ever surfaced from our short stay in Glasgow. No pictures of her and I, no posts about spotting me out with some girl. We'd been lucky in that regard. Our fans were ruthless, constantly digging for something about each of our personal lives. I knew it would only be a matter of time before they found her out, and the thought created a new branch of concern in my brain. I couldn't toss that over right now. I couldn't go there and add more insult to injury, so I chewed up the thought and swallowed it down, promising myself I'd make it a point to bring it up to her later.

"We'll be fine." A lie. I knew what fans could be like sometimes, or what they wanted from me. Expected of me. They wanted a piece of me, a piece of something to show off to their friends and post online. It should make me happy, but instead it left me empty. Once you give enough of your pieces away,  you've got nothing for yourself. I'd been at the bottom for a while, scraping by to find fragments worth sorting through. The only thing that made me feel semi-whole, was the woman walking next to me.

But she didn't respond to me. Instead, she kept her eyes wide and on me, as if she was asking whether or not I wanted to potentially share this part of myself with the world. Or if I wanted to share her with the world. I didn't know what to say, so I walked around her gently and led the way through the airport, out toward the pickup lanes.

Did I want to share her? Did I want them to know about her? What would they dig up on her and question across social media? Would they find out about her and Barns? Would stories come out about the tour with Barns and the sudden "accident" that postponed the rest of it? Would they question and pick at us? I swallowed the lump in my throat. I knew the worst case scenario because I'd  lived it once already. I didn't want to add stress to our relationship by outing her. I didn't want that on our shoulders, because I knew if it went south and the things they said ate at her, it could eventually eat away at us. I couldn't go through that again. I wouldn't.

Losing someone during the height of your fame, when everything else is going your way, knocks you down on all fours. It grounds you and plucks the wind straight from your lungs with greedy fingers. It ruined me for a while before, and I was only just starting to feel normal again. If I lost Ellie in the same way...if it drove even the smallest wedge between us, I couldn't hack it.

I pushed onward, keeping a wide berth between them and me, but still remaining in earshot of Larry, just in case he called for me.

"S'alright, El." Larry mumbled behind me. "Even if they wonder who you are, the chances of them assuming anything will be slim. Van's real good at shrugging things off his shoulder and avoiding responses that give too much away."

Ellie didn't say anything back to him, and the sting in her silence bit into my back.

Within minutes, people around us started following a little more closely than before. I tried not to notice them, but sometimes it was better to call things out as you see them. I flicked my wrist at a few of the young kids, desperately trying to steal a pic or a video of me in the airport. A casual wave to appease whatever memory that wanted to store in their minds or on their phones.

We continued walking faster as a few girls drew near to me, greeting me by my name as if we were mates.

"Hullo." I mumbled back to them, as they snickered and their cheeks turned red.

"Can we get a photo?" The blonde one asked. I nodded on a smile and paused briefly, sticking my tongue out and keeping my glasses on. It was a signature move that always stuck with me, I guess. I'd always hated my smile and joked about my crooked teeth, but no one looked at your smile when you're busy making awkward faces. I guess it sort of became my M-O. Now it was expected of me.

More people began filtering in around me, and I could hear Larry's breathing increasing behind me. "Van...this could get a bit...much."

I nodded as I signed a few autographs while I walked and did my best to glance at the phones that always seemed to end up in front of my face. A pose here, a nod there, and a few hellos to someone on the other end of the phone who "loved the band more than anyone". I'd lost count how many times I'd heard that over the years, but I smiled and sent the greetings either way, becoming desensitized to the clatter around me as we moved briskly through the airport.

"Should we keep walking?" Ellie's voice was small again, almost childlike. She wasn't asking me though, she was asking Larry.

"We'll try to avoid if, follow me. I can't promise anything."

Larry began leading her away from me, and I caught her glance over her shoulder as they walked further ahead of me. I wanted to call out her name and tell them to wait up, but I didn't want to draw more attention to any of us. Larry smiled and waved at a few fans who recognized him, and I watched them scan over Ellie curiously while Larry pulled her toward the door. It looked like she belonged to him. I knew what he was doing. He knew me more than I knew myself. Larry knew how much of this end of my life affected my last relationship, and he'd do anything he could to save me, to buy me some time to avoid any press. That familiar lump returned to my throat, bobbing idly as I waved goodbye to the people starting to pull back from us. The exit of the airport loomed ahead of me like a safety net.

I could see our usual driver, Jerry, waiting near the doors. He spotted us quickly and hurried to meet Larry. I caught up to them just as Larry introduced Ellie to him, a smooth handshake passing between the two of them easily.

"You good?" Larry said turning to me and glancing at the fans taking a few more pictures with their phones, even though they were hundreds of yards away.

I nodded and followed Jerry out the doors and to the car, wishing Ellie's fingers were locked in mine. But Ellie was walking quickly next to Jerry, several steps ahead of Larry and I.

"Wasn't as bad as it coulda been." He whispered to me.

"It was bad enough. Shoulda caught an earlier flight. Wrong time of day to do this. I know better."

"They're gonna find out about her sometime. I have a feeling she'll be around for a while."

"I don't want to thrust her into something that could make things with Barns worse. Or stir up old wounds."

Larry looked forward as we walked to the car. "You're going to spend so much time worrying about ruining things between you, that you forget to enjoy things, you know?"

I bit into my lip. I didn't have a response for him. Silence usually won when I was wrong and I knew it. I couldn't admit it, so I'd just shut myself down and keep my thoughts to myself.

Larry shook his head on a laugh and walked faster to catch up with Jerry and El, leaving me a few steps behind, all wrapped up in an emptiness that the airport filled me with.

I wanted to disappear with her, but that wasn't in the cards. Not yet at least.