I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Eighty

Ellie

I'd replayed the message Van left for me at least twice a day. Usually once when I woke up, and again before bed. It was difficult to hear his emotions so raw, but in the same breath, it soothed me anytime he felt comfortable enough to be that honest with me. Not many people threw that type of honesty out often. But Van did. He laid himself bare because he could. Not because he needed to, but because he wanted to.

So it made it easier to get through the hours of silence, knowing what he said to me in his message. It made the blow of his absence a little softer. A pill that was easier to swallow. But the message also left a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

Van didn't call back later that day.

Van didn't call that night either, at least not until I fell asleep and missed all three of his calls.

We'd kept in touch via short text messages that always seemed rushed, and apologetic ones I'd wake up to the next day. After a couple of days, the sting wore off, and I just expected things to be this way. When you have low expectations, you're never let down. When your hopes are too high, even the tiniest gust of wind knocks you over.

I knew that there would be times like this, and I wasn't angry at him for any of it. I'd grown accustom to being the type of woman who isn't overly dependent on having a man around, but I missed him, and that's the part of it all I had to sort through and suck up. That's the thing that knotted my stomach. I just missed him. Terribly.

My phone dinged as I mixed together batter for a cake. Van was due home tomorrow, and I wanted to have his parents over for dinner. Maybe that's part of the reason I wasn't overly upset about not getting to talk to him; I knew he was coming home. Mary offered to make something to bring, but I talked her out of it and told her to bring herself and Bernard. I got the feeling she wasn't used to that, but she seemed grateful for the opportunity and accepted my invitation excitedly. I finished pouring the batter into the pan and glanced at my phone, half expecting to see Van's name on the screen, but it was Slim's name I saw instead. I'd given him my new number the day we had lunch and asked him to keep in touch. After all, he was someone I'd known for a long time, and it felt good to have another friend in the world, even if it was a fair weather friend. Something was better than nothing.

"Hey El. I've got some free time this afternoon. Want to meet up for a pint?" 

I smiled at the thought of having someone to talk to. It's been a lonely few days. I responded quickly. "Of course. What time?"

Slim's response was fast. "Let's do two...at Barley downtown. Sound okay?"

"See you there."

Part of me wondered if I should tell Van about Slim. We hadn't even discussed that I had lunch with him yet, and not that Van would care too much, but it felt wrong not telling him who I was spending my free time with. It felt wrong not sharing details with him. But then again, there was a lot we weren't sharing these days.

I frowned at the thought; at the nagging distance that scraped her claws over my heart and whispered doubts in my ear. I didn't need to entertain these thoughts. Not now, and not ever.

I shoved the thoughts to the corner of my mind as I slid the cake pan into the oven. I had a few hours to bum around before I had to leave, and at least I could finish everything and have most of the food already prepped for tomorrow night. I hoped it would surprise him. I hoped it would let him unwind and do him some good to see his parents and know he could just relax for a bit before tour started. I hoped he would feel like this was his home. I hoped he'd be happy to see me.