I Just Wanted to be Edgy Too

Chapter Eighty-Seven

Barns

"So...this is it?" I stood motionless next to the car, my shoes kicking at the gravel bits in the earth. I wanted to be angry, or maybe even be in a rage over the state of things, but I was instead somber, embarrassed of myself even.

"Yeah...I mean...from what I've gathered." Slim's voice was monotone. He wasn't the normal, chipper friend I'd known on the road, or for years before that. I tried to pretend that I didn't notice the lag in his octave and vowels. I didn't need him thinking I picked up on his depression over the subject. I didn't need anyone else to leave me right now.

I kicked at the ground again, the chill of an English spring evening coating my skin in goosebumps. I glanced upwards and looked around, taking in the scenery on a sigh.

"How sure are you?"

Slim's shoulders rose and fell. "I mean...I followed her here when she left the store a few days back so...."

I bit my lip and nodded. Maybe I wanted it to be different. All of this. Maybe I wanted to be happy for Ellie, and for the life she was living. She probably deserved the world, and I probably tried to ruin hers one too many times. But I couldn't be happy. I couldn't just walk away. I couldn't leave her alone.

Which led me here.

To the UK, right along the banks of the Irish Sea, standing outside of what Slim believed to be her house.

Her and Van's house.

I cringed.

"They're not here. She said they were leaving for a quick trip."

"Like a holiday?" I felt the sting of his answer before he said it.

"Guess you could call it that. Said they'd be gone almost a week, and they were leaving a couple days ago."

"Where'd they go?"

"I didn't really ask that. Didn't think it was important."

"So, you have no idea where they are? Where she is?"

Slim smirked before dropping his gaze to the ground. "I know where she's not."

He pointed to her house and I turned my attention back to it.

"Well...at least I know where to find her when he leaves."

I just had to be patient. Van was leaving for tour soon, and she'd made it clear to Slim she wasn't going. If I could just wait it out, then she wouldn't have anyone to turn to when he wasn't around. She really wouldn't have any other choice but to fall back in love with me. That's how it would work. No other option.

"What's your plan going to be then?"

I adjusted my jacket over my shoulders, the leather keeping the chill at bay. "I don't really know."

"Just gonna waltz up and knock on the door? See her face to face?"

"Maybe."

Slim frowned. "She'll lose it."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing. I've been losing it for months without her."

"That's not what I mean. It's like a dog...you treat it badly and it cowers for the rest of its life when it sees you. When it sees anyone really. She's going to cower the minute she sees you. She's going to fall apart."

"Whose side are you on?" I turned my attention toward him, my eyes burning behind my sunglasses.

His shoulders rose and fell with the deep breath he took. "I'm just saying...you need to be prepared for the fallout. You need to be prepared for her to panic. She's in love with someone else, and I know that's hard for you to hear."

I held up my hand, bidding him to stop, but he continued.

"Listen to me...I'm your friend, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. It's my job to tell you when you're right and when you're wrong, and this feels wrong. All of it. You're stalking a woman who is in love with someone else. She has a life with him now, not you, and I don't think there is any room for you in it. I feel sick with myself that I've led her to believe I'm being friendly to her, when I wasn't. I was helping you. I was helping you because I'm your friend. But all it's done is make me feel rotten. This isn't going to end well, and I'm fairly certain you know that by now. I can see the wheels turning in your mind. You lost. And you didn't just lose, but you lost her. Barns...the things you did to her...they're unforgivable. I was there through it all. I sat through the worst of it. And I went to the hospital to try and see her before we left...but I couldn't even see her because she was so out of it. That's how bad it was. You nearly killed her. That's not love. I don't know what that is, but it isn't love. And this...this isn't something I want to be a part of anymore."

I clenched my jaw firmly as I stepped toward him, my chest pushing against his. "You're not a saint. You aren't here because you're my friend. You're here because you owe me. You know that and so do I."

Slim shook his head at me. "Fine. But it still doesn't make anything else I said untrue."

"You think I don't know what I did to her? You think I don't live with that daily?" I hissed the words at him. "I can't live without her. I won't. And regardless of what happened, it doesn't change that I want her."

"You can't always get what you want."

"Some people don't. I do."

My fist collided with his face and I watched as he bent over and grabbed his nose, the blood dripping from his hands almost immediately.

"Dammit, Barns...what the hell?"

I pushed my finger into is chest as he stood up straighter. "Don't act like you are innocent in this. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. You're just as much of a blame in this as I am. It's not just me that's going to make her fall apart. She thinks you're her friend. What's going to happen when she finds out how all of this happened in the first place? Whatever you think of yourself is a lie. You got me here. You convinced her to trust you, and she confided in you, and you were the enemy the whole time."

My words registered with Slim as he he wiped the blood on his face, smearing it across his cheek. He looked sick and I couldn't tell if it was because of my words, or because I hit him so hard. Maybe a little of both.

"I'm done here." He said as he walked back to the car slowly.

"We're done." I spat my words at him like I was a child and tried to push away the agonizing feeling of loneliness as it swept over me. It was a few miles worth of a walk back into town, but I didn't care. I'd walked further than that before, ran it even. I'd be fine. I didn't need Slim.

But the loneliness creeping inside of me convinced me otherwise, and I felt the darkness of the situation close around me. I wasn't good at this, and that's what got me here in the first place. I couldn't be alone. And I had to be in control. But now, I was alone, and everything was falling apart.

I looked back at Ellie's house as Slim peeled away quickly in his car, throwing dirt and gravel in his wake.

I'd do the rest of this on my own, even it meant making a bigger mess of the situation.

I had no choice.

The only option was her.